A brief look into the crazy shit people think they can sell over the Internet.
By Flash Clark

A brief look into the crazy shit people think they can sell over the Internet.
By Flash Clark

Dead Babies
Everyone loves babies, even dead ones, and that’s why in 2012, British citizen Hok Kuen Chow was charged in Thailand with plotting to sell the corpses of six baby fetuses through a website serving black-magic interests. The 28-year-old (alleged) soulless bastard is said to have been busted with the contraband in luggage as he prepared to smuggle it from Bangkok to sell to wealthy customers for use in fortune telling and witchcraft. Stolen after an abortion procedure at a local monastery, the fetuses were dry roasted (as per fucked-up, local, black-magic tradition), coated with a lacquer, then gold plated to give them that perfectly evil appearance of Jack Links beef jerky meets Satan.

Ghosts in the Ball Mason Jar
Peter Venkman and company never had it easy. First, there was the “no crossing of streams” rule (and everybody loves to cross streams), then there was the individual containment unit capacity issue, along with the Mark I Storage Facility shutdown hazard. Thankfully, some tech-savvy folks in New Zealand simplified the ghostbusting process by simply exorcising unruly wraiths straight into vials of holy water and listing them for sale online. Avie Woodbury, resident of Australia’s sole sideburn, claims for some time, two spirits haunted her home: one an old man who resided there in the 1920s and, a little girl. Between the two, Woodbury alleges they moved items in the home, turned lights on and off, threatened her dog, and made her believe she could catch ghosts in vials of holy water.

Ashes of a Deadbeat Dad
Having parental issues is no big deal; it’s been a problem since that whole incestuous Adam and Eve defying daddy and populating a planet thing. Elektra wanted to grind her own father’s gears and Oedipus wanted to fill in for Daddy-o, but seldom does the sheer absence of a parent scar a child so badly as it did poor old William Ireland of Warwickshire, England. So endlessly soured was he by his father’s abandonment at an early age that he listed his 84-year-old father’s ashes for auction at the lowest starting bid of 99 pence, or roughly the equivalent of a BK Junior without cheese.

The Soul of a Musky Musician
Everyone knows if you’re going to sell your soul for Rock ‘n’ Roll, sell it to the devil and not to some powerless, non-supernatural nutjob on the Internet. That said, if you’ve never heard of Dante Knoxx — despondent, aspiring musician — it’s likely because his only claim to fame was his U.K. Ebay listing. Seeking funding for his experimental band, Paradigm, Knoxx offered his soul for sale as a “used” item. Starting bid: £25,500.50, with a “buy it now” sticker of £700,000. The artist included small print in the contract stating he may buy back his completely violated and done-with-what-no-one-knows soul for a mere £100,000,000. Unfortunately, Ebay pulled the listing two hours before its closing, citing violations in its user policy, which forced Knoxx into actually trying to compose decent music.

Trent’s Sperm
Who says nothing is free? Certainly not Trent Arsenault of Fremont, Calif. This sly guy always felt sperm banks shouldn’t capitalize on good, hardworking couples seeking to be families. So in 2006, after responding to an ad from a couple seeking a sperm donor, he began doing what any sensible virile man would do. He donated his generous spunk online to couples seeking families. All too often, to be a genius is to be misunderstood, and in 2011 the FDA officially warned the then 36-year-old engineer at Hewlett Packard to stop donating his sperm via the Internet or potentially face prison time, during which his own generosity would most likely be reciprocated with a similar donation.

WII Nazi German Bomber Duds
It takes a lot of creative thinking, or innocent mis-keystrokes on Google search, to get the Army to show up at your house, but in 2010, honey badger and brass ball-toting David McDaid managed just that. The father of three, who could have easily not been the father of three, dug up and loaded a 500-pound, WWII German bomb onto a trailer and transported it to his girlfriend’s garage, where he photographed and listed it for sale on a website. Twenty-four hours later, 15 soldiers in full combat gear arrived at his doorstep expressing a genuine concern regarding his posting. McDaid said he wasn’t worried about the more than 50-year-old explosive, explaining he had sat on it as a child and that it had been used as a bridge for four-wheelers for years.

A Mountain of Student Loan Debt
It used to be that going to college was a guaranteed foot in the door for scoring a high-paying career straight out of school, but these days, it’s just a way to have great sex, get really … enlightened and to show future employers you can invest years of effort into fruitless endeavors, all while buying time before that inevitable nine to five. So, it’s no wonder some folks make a career out of it. That’s why in 2014, after nine years of higher education and three degrees, failed barista/physicist and current Rooster contributor, yours truly, posted his student loan debt of $125,000 #@*&! dollars on Ebay. It’s not often you get a chance to write yourself into an article and potentially sell off years of mistakes. Seriously, check out item number 221412846662. Starting bid for this item: my dignity. Pick the ass, and I’ll kiss it.