Sometimes, we’re so enamored by our favorite artists that we don’t even care what they're singing about — even if it's sexual attraction to cocaine (Looking’ at you, The Weeknd).

One truth reigns supreme: We really love our favorite artists. We’d even go so far as to say we love them, love them. We’d happily be caught sitting in a tree (K-I-S-S-I-N-G), with all of them — but sometimes, we’re so enamored by their sheer force of personality and fascinating sculptures of cranial hair that we forget to actually listen to what they’re saying.

And usually, what they’re saying is complete horse shit. Horse shit, we say!

So, to prove our thoroughly brilliant point, we did a little lyrical analysis of iTune’s Top 10 songs of the moment in order to find out whether these golden gods are worthy of being stalked by us.

1. The Weekend – “Can’t Feel My Face"

“I can't feel my face when I'm with you, but I love it.”

A dude loves a girl. The girl is cocaine. He loves cocaine. COCAINEEEE.

Here, by anthropomorphizing blow into the sensual form of the human female, The Weeknd is essentially sexualizing cocaine addiction. Ordinarily, that would be unforgivable given that the majority of his audience is rabid, ovulating teen girls who have yet to feel the cold dick-slap of life, but … mainstream America allows it to slide because The Weeknd sounds an awful lot like Michael Jackson, and look like the human embodiment of a fun cactus.

Also, facial numbness … isn’t that a primary sign of stroke? If you’ve fallen and can’t get up, please dial 1800-MOR-COKE.

2. Omi – “Cheerleader"

“Cause I'm the wizard of love / And I got the magic wand.”

Introducing “Cheerleader,” proud to be the six-hundred-thousandth song written this year about having a penis and using said penis to produce favorable results. But, oh wait, Omi refers to it as a ‘wand,’ so … basically the message this song is sending to our nation’s children is this: don’t have sex, but do use your penis to cast an immobility spell on your dad.

Look, “Omi,” we don’t care if you call it a magic stick or a 'ripened summer squash,' there’s no excuse for a song about a girl cheering you on for having what 99 percent of men have. The other 1 percent is Caitlyn Jenner. You’re not special — Caitlyn Jenner is special. Let’s hear a song about Caitlyn pleasing women with the area where her penis used to be. That's a cheerleader-worthy song.

The song’s one redeeming quality is that he sings about staying true to his strong, supportive women but, again, it’s on account of that D.  The fact that she’s always there for him and and he feels empty when she’s gone makes this sound like the kind of codependent relationship that would keep Dr. Phil busy for two or three more episodes.

3. Rachel Platten – "Fight Song"

“This is my fight song / Take back my life song / Prove I'm alright song.”

Ugh, just reading this one line of lyrical diarrhea makes us think of a girl named Jessica conducting a Pilates routine more vigorously than ever to get back at her ex-boyfriend, Chad. Jessica angrily gulps a Starbucks energy drink as she slides into her Jetta afterwards, puts on her North Face, forgets to feed her Chihuahua its thimble of dry food and then masturbates to Taylor Swift because she’s like, empowered.

Moving on. Assuming you can overlook the compulsive repetition … assuming you can overlook the compulsive repetition, this song is poised to become the breakup ballad of the year.  But while we respect a good go-fuck-yourself ballad any day of the week, and the try-and-stop-me attitude on this one almost inspires us to unfriend our ex on Vine, we really just can’t overlook the cliche girl-power of “And I don't really care if nobody else believes / ‘Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me.”

… This is a motivational speech from Mulan. A much better lyric would be "I would miss you but it's hard to miss something as small as your penis." Death to fuckboys.

4. Silento – "Watch Me Whip"

“Now break your legs / Break your legs / Tell 'em ‘break your legs / Break your legs.”

… What if we don’t want to break our legs? We like our legs. They’re doing just fine, especially considering they’re distantly attached to our brain, which is definitely the weakest link of the organ gang. And even if we were going to break our legs out of obedience, why not break just one? The emergency room costs alone would be astronomical for two legs, but we could maybe afford one leg if we really put in work at the magazine.

Although, we do have to give this song credit for one thing: it makes dads dance all crazy. Innumerable blessings to YouTube for that one.

5. Selena Gomez- "Good For You” feat. A$AP Rocky

“I'm on my marquise diamonds / I’m a marquise diamond / Could even make that Tiffany jealous.”

You’re right, Selena: you are a diamond. Because you’re hard. HARD TO LISTEN TO, OHHHHHHHHH.

Sorry. Anyway. Selena Gomez continues to shed that good girl image she used to have due to her round face and chipmunk cheeks, but with this touching ode to getting dressed up, she essentially advises her listeners to spend oh, at least three hours of their valuable time getting dolled up so dude can come over and immediately fuck it all up. “Waste your time!” is the message here. Look, Selena. We don't have that kind of time. Our Tinder date is lucky if we trim, not shave, our pubic forest. Being sassy on the Internet is really time-consuming.

Not that the ritual of making ourselves feel sexy doesn’t absolutely serve a purpose. Looking insanely hot and watching your date appreciate it is dead sexy. That being said, if your woman puts the time and effort into looking that good, notice. A simple impressionistic oil painting of her posing in front of a fire will do.

And what in God’s name is a 'marquise diamond?' Too poor to know.

6. The Weekend – “The Hills"

“I can't find your house / I need the info … I only fuck you when it's half past five / The only time I'd ever call you mine."

On here again! This time, The Weeknd is here to remind us that “The Hills” have eyes. Unfortunately, this winds up having nothing to do with the movie The Hills Have Eyes, which is a bummer because The Weeknd singing about that movie would tickle our pickles forever.

Like 100 percent of The Weeknd’s other songs, “The Hills” also ends up being about emotionless sex. “I just fucked two bitches 'fore I saw you /Y ou gon' have to do it at my tempo,” sayeth he. That’s just beautiful. We think we read that in a Nicolas Sparks novel once. And look, we have no problem with meaningless booty calls, but let’s be realistic: he’s not calling her at 5:30 a.m., he’s calling her at 8 p.m. for Netflix and chill because he has to be up bright and early to figure out new arrangements of hair. No one is fucking three women in one night without a please-call-your-doctor-if-this-erection-lasts-longer-than-three-hours dose of Viagra.

Also, you can't find our house? Can you not just Google Maps it? Who are you? Who are we?

7. Major Lazer – "Lean On"

“Blow a kiss, fire a gun / We need someone to lean on.”

Nobody is listening to this song for the vocals. Every single listener is just waiting, barely breathing for that explosion of vowel sounds: “Wha whoa wha whoa wha whoa wha whoa wha whoa wha whoa wha whoa wha whoa wha whoa wha whoa wha whoa wha whoa wha whoa wha whoa wha whoa ha whoa wha whoa wha whoa wha whoa wha whoa ha whoa wha whoa wha whoa wha whoa wha whoa … and so on.

8. Fetty Wap – "My Way" feat. Monty

“But first off I'mma start by saying this, ayy / All headshots if you think you could take my bitch."

Next, we land on Fetty Wap, who will kill a bitch for trying to take his bitches. Because what is more attractive than a man who is so possessive that before he even hits on your he needs to let you know what happens if someone else ever tries to hit on you (two shots to the head, apparently). But hey, he’s got a fat wad of cash, so that’s allowed, right? Apparently one of his 99 problems is a bitch, and the other 98 are his temper. Ayy!

9. Andy Grammar- “Honey, I’m Good"

“Oh, I'm sure you, sure you will make somebody's night / Oh, I'll show you, show you it sure as hell's not mine."

This week, Andy Grammar is also weighing in on the seductive powers of a temptress. Andy too holds on to his morals, and goes on home to his woman, because he’s good with what’s got. And with an exit line like: "You’ll make someone’s night, but sure as hell not mine," we’re sure she’s incredibly flattered. His ego apparently needs some extra attention, because he makes sure to remind us that monogamy is hard work, “Now better men than me have failed / Drinking from that unholy grail.”

So now you should applaud him for moral acumen while you go home alone. But don’t worry girl, Andy also wants you to keep your head up, maybe even let your hair down. Just not anywhere near him. Punk ass.

10. Fetty Wap – “679” feat. Remy Boyz

“She ain't nothing like them bimbos.”

This is what constitutes a compliment nowadays. We mean really, what’s more swoon-worthy than that? Who needs a McKen Doll to build them a dream home when you can have Fetty Wap and Remy Boyz sing you this sweet and sultry seduction?

It’s a true love song if ever there was one. Her ass, and his fast money, we don’t see how this could ever not work out. But it’s all good ladies, because he’s going to spoil her, and get her “with the happy feel,” which I can only assume is orgasm. Promises, Promises Fetty. Lets hope you can deliver.

There you have it. Perhaps not a TOTAL loss, but at this point I think T.Swift’s next album could include a track of her new god-son’s infant ramblings over a killer bass beat and we’d eat that shit up like birthday cake on cheat day.