Thou shalt plow thy ungrateful wife from behind if she keeps ruining sexy time with disgust and reluctance …

Doggy style is the best position ever for a few reasons. For one, it enables guys to easily stimulate their partner’s clits and G-Spots, not to mention the fact that you can do it almost anywhere. Most importantly, however, it ensures both partners equal line of sight for their favorite television programs etc.

However, a Christian lifestyle and advice website, Biblicalgenderroles.com (BGR), has come up with a new, not-at-all rape-y reason why doggy style is the best sex position: it lets you ignore that the woman you’re having sex with doesn’t want to have sex with you!

BGR pondered the question: Just what is a man supposed to do when his wife is making that icky, reluctant bored face while he just plows her in the name of all that is holy? Well, Jesus says the answer is doggy style.

To keep males from having their good time ruined by those ungrateful pieces of property known as their wives, BGR recommends males to simply avoid eye contact with the scornful woman. In Christian columnist, Larry Solomon’s, own words: “I know you love your wife, most men love their wives. But sin is ugly. Your beautiful bride’s face becomes ugly during this sinful time that she is grudgingly giving you sex as she grimaces wanting you to just hurry up and get it over with.”

Giving you sex? To give someone the sex sounds like a really bad Google translation, and to do this sex giving grudgingly is strange if not all out rapey. Solomon continues to compare the unwilling woman to Medusa, because if Christians are good at anything, it’s combing fables with other fables: “So like the men who could not look at Medusa’s face otherwise they would be killed, realize that if you look on your wife’s face when she is displaying a sinful attitude toward sex it will kill your sexual pleasure.”

Solomon has a solution: “Focus your eyes on her body, not her face. Focus on the visual pleasure you receive from looking at her body and physical pleasure you receive from being inside your wife. I know you love your wife … You want to connect with her physically AND emotionally during sex. But your wife is the one refusing to connect with you emotionally, so you have to concentrate 100% on the physical side.”

Exactly. This is not misogynistic at all. Thanks, Solomon. Way to go, Janine, Doug’s menopausal doughy half-boner is all gone now thanks to that resting bitch face. It’s all spelled out for us in the good book, folks. As noted in Proverbs 5:19, “Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times.” Not just part time, not half the time. All the time. So your dog just died? Doesn’t matter. You had a bad day at the office. Doesn’t matter. According to the Bible, you’re getting motorboated.

Once again: her fault. Just look at those lovely lady lumps, we shouldn’t worry ourselves about emotionally scarring our wives. No way, Jose. The husband tried to bond with her over ‘Jeopardy’ and salmon croquettes, with God as his witness, he attempted to connect before he just straight up gave her the sex. He even took of his socks.

To be clear, this is the stupidest story we’ve ever read. Doggy style is far too awesome a position to be ruined by babbling Christian bloggers, so please, for the love of all things holy including whatever god you fuck with: be 100 percent sure that the person you’re fucking wants to be fucking you, no matter what position it’s in.