Is a KIT KAT a candy bar?
No, and I love them. Even if you ate it without breaking it (which is the way a murderer would) it’s a wafer mattress covered in chocolate. If you break it, which … why wouldn’t you … it’s just chocolatey twigs of goodness. In my opinion, if it doesn’t have the aesthetic of a turd, it ain’t a candy bar. Sorry CHUNKY that means you’re also out!

What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever done for money?
How about we go with the second grossest? I’d like to keep some level of respect in the eyes of my fans. I used to work in telemarketing. It was REAL gross. The whole operation was illegal. The boss was a scumbag. Once every couple of weeks I could call and report his car illegally parked (which it always was) and it would get towed and the whole office would watch and laugh. That was the best I could do to balance out my karma from working there.

How do you keep going after a soul-crushing comedy experience?
Anyone that does stand up comedy is psychotic and delusional. Myself included. Keep that in mind. We ALL have terrible sets now and then, even me and I’m VERY good at this. But the important thing to remember is … at least the money is terrible and your family, friends and anyone you’ll ever date will never understand what you’re doing with your life. Now get back out on stage!

If someone has something on their face and you don’t know them that well, do you tell them and how?
It depends. What kind of vibe are you getting from them? Do they seem like a nice person? If so, yes. What better way to make a new best friend than by licking your thumb and wiping crud off their punim. If they seem terrible … meh … maybe having something stuck to their face is another form of them not being self aware.

MIKE KNOWS BEST

“Breakfast is for families. Brunch is for alcoholics.”

Mike can be found every Monday hosting Thick Skin at Comedy Works Downtown or featured on his new podcast called “It’s a Blunderful Life” — listen wherever podcasts are available. To be featured in Mike Drop, tweet @_aware_wolf or @roostermagazine with your most pressing queries about this thing we call life.