Sizzling Stars: September’s Sexy Secrets Revealed

Aries: This month heats up your sex life like the dumpster fire that it is. Casual flings and passionate encounters are in the air. They’re also in the alley, in the janitor’s closet at work…wherever two people can fit well enough to do the dirty. Just don’t get too attached unless you’re ready for the full inferno.

Taurus: This month brings whispers of sweet nothings in the night. Which might just mean you’ve been phrogged and that voice is someone who lives in your walls. Don’t be scurred. You can overcome any adverse event. Well, except binge eating. You got this.  

Gemini: Your social calendar is bursting at the seams, as usual, slut. Flirty banter and intellectual connections abound, as does sexting and dirty talk. Just don’t spread yourself too thin, or you might end up juggling more than you can handle. There is such a thing as too much sex. 

Cancer: You’re craving deeper connections and emotional intimacy. In other words, you whine like a little bitch. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, but not so vulnerable your common sense falls out.  Don’t settle for surface-level flings; seek out someone who truly sees and understands your brand of crazy. 

Leo: This is your time to shine in the sex department. Your confidence and charisma are irresistible, if also really annoying. But remember, quality over quantity. Choose someone who can match your fire and passion, someone who’s not afraid to bask in your radiant glow and who will pay for sex. 

Virgo: Since you’re bankrupt in the personality department, you’re seeking a partner who can ground you and appreciate your analytical mind, as well as support you financially for the rest of your life. Casual hookups may not be your style, but don’t dismiss the possibility of a slow-burning connection that develops into something more meaningful ten years from now.

Libra: You could talk the pants off pretty much anyone you come into contact with now. However, your insane insistence on living in the past could diminish any attractiveness you might have. Missed opportunities are behind you, so get over yourself. Figure out what you want in the here and now and go for it. Also, remember to take your meds. 

Scorpio: Your sector of reputation and legacy is in play now, which means you need to clean up your act or forever be known as the Slut of September. You’re extra sensitive this month, too, so don’t let anyone bully you or make you cry. You’ll have the best sex with Pisces and Cancer. At the same time. 

Sagittarius: September fuels your wanderlust and desire for new experiences. You require a partner who stimulates you both physically and mentally while keeping it lighthearted. Gemini’s sharp wit, insanity, and crazy brand of affection are just what the doctor ordered.

Capricorn: This month, your control-freak tendencies rush to the forefront of your life, and the bedroom is no exception. While Pisces is ready when you are, you’re encouraged to find a sensuous Leo to have a regular fling with. Even you can get fuck-struck if you’re not careful.

Aquarius: You’re drawn to unconventional connections and intellectual stimulation, and seek a partner who’s 100% invested in giving and receiving intense pleasure. Embrace the quirky and unexpected. Don’t be afraid to stand out from the crowd and attract those who appreciate your weirdness.

Pisces: Sex is an expression of your emotions, whether it’s true love, just sex, or a poetic appreciation for your partner’s body. Virgo’s sensitive nature could be the cure you need to get a little more interested in your sex life.