By now you’re probably aware of our discontent towards young artists who make waves before they’re even old enough to vote. It’s just us being bitter and spiteful really, because there isn’t any other reason to dislike them besides the fact they’re rich and we’re not (at least not according to IRS records). In a way we're intrigued, though. There's nothing quite like the brilliance of a person undisturbed by life.

Sometimes that true, unsullied talent lies within children that haven’t been exposed to the atrocities of adult problems yet, and really, we’re ok with that. But we often wonder what their art would be like if it were made while they weren’t young and had a few years stored away deep in their subconscious brainial.

Today we wonder no more, thanks to Minneapolis based comedian Molly Dworsky. She’s taken Lorde’s insanely winning single “Royals” and put it together from a 30-year-old’s perspective.

It hits home. It hits deep.


If this is life, I’m unimpressed
Adulthood’s nothing like the tales in the movies
I’ve got stretch marks and saggy breasts
Seven extra pounds, and I’m full of envy

Cuz every song’s, like, written by a kid I probably used to babysit
Killing it by puberty while I can barely stay fit
So unfair that Lorde’s a millionaire at seventeen

And everybody’s got kids, a mortgage, real responsibility
Neck pain, diets, “hot chicks” were born after me
So unfair, I have to pay for my own health care

And we used to be Royals
How was that 10 years ago?
Seems like yesterday 2004
I wish I had another go

If I could be a high schooler
I could be the prom queen
And baby I’d rule (I’d rule) high school
Let me live that fantasy

My friends and I can tell we’re old
We count our dollars in our IRA while you party
And once we’re in our comfy clothes
We watch YouTube clips
Eat chips and feel self-pity

Cuz every song’s, like, written by a kid I probably used to babysit
Killing it by puberty while I can barely stay fit
So unfair that Lorde’s a millionaire at seventeen

And everybody’s got kids, a mortgage, real responsibility
Neck pain, diets, “hot chicks” were born after me
So unfair, being carded is getting rare

And we used to be Royals
How was that 10 years ago?
Seems like yesterday 2004
I wish had another go

If I could be a high schooler
I could be the prom queen
And baby I’d rule (I’d rule) high school
Let me live that fantasy

Woah,
So old
Woah

We’re not where we thought we’d be
I miss the days of JTT
Growing old is so unfair
I just found a grey pubic hair.