Back in 1538, Swiss physician Paracelsus coined the term “The dose makes the poison.” Everytime we think we can smoke hash like we used to, we’re brutally and hellishly reminded of this quote. Here are three things we recommend trying the next time you get too stoned.

1. Call Mom

Anytime we get scary stoned, we love to give our mom a quick call. Usually we do it while we’re peaking out the blinds in the living room of our house. There’s something about her slightly indifferent, disappointed tone when we tell her “Mom, I ate an entire chocolate bar my friend got with his medical card and I think cerebral fluid is coming out of my ears” that just really soothes us and helps bring us back to Earth. Then she tells us how she’s rewatching The Walking Dead for the 80th time in her life, and we feel like we’re basically cured. We’ll usually stay on the line a little bit longer, asking if she still has the wooden spoon she broke while spanking us back in the third grade. She’ll say she doesn’t remember doing that, and then we’ll let her go so that we can go look at cool bugs outside.

2. Pursue the Culinary Stoner Arts

The next time you feel the urge to go outside and hold onto the grass so that you don’t float away, try getting really creative in the kitchen. For instance, the other day, we realized that we could add bags of M&M’s to our prebought bags of trail mix, and this epiphany can only be compared to how Einstein felt when he discovered the theory of relativity. If you find yourself in a THC-induced mental breakdown, go wrap some pizza rolls in bacon and throw them in your air fryer. That shit’s going to change your life, dude.

3. Repetitive Motions

The first time we took edibles with our father, he ended up disappearing in our childhood home to the point that we were worried. After an extensive search, we found him in his bedroom, unable to place his Chapstick upright on his nightstand. He tried for what felt like hours, picking up that tube and then gingerly setting it vertical, only to watch it crumble like a literal house of cards. The moral of the story is that you should do drugs with your dad, but the other moral of the story is that there’s plenty of comfort to be found in repetitive motions. The next time you’re higher than bird tits, we’d recommend curling into a ball and rocking back and forth while rhythmically running your hands down your thighs. It probably won’t sober you up, and let’s be honest, you’re probably going to be this high forever, but maybe you’ll find some peace in those repetitive, slightly autistic motions enough to make yourself feel better.