The holidays are here, and if we’ve taught you well, you’re aware at this point in your life that the month of December exists to amass massive amounts of material wealth that nobody really needs. Here’s what we really want for Christmas this year.

A Pony
We’ve wanted a pony since we were four. We’d name him Cookie Cakes, and we promise to take really good care of him.

❷ Year-round availability of Evan Williams Eggnog
We aren’t lying to you when we tell you that we once had a wet dream about this eggnog. If we could get it in May, we would be so happy.

❸ A Ballroom at the White house Named After Ourselves
We think everybody deserves a ballroom at the White House. Bonus points if the ballroom can also host a UFC event in 2026.

❹ One Conversation With Our Uncle Where He Doesn’t Talk About How “They Elected a Terrorist As The Mayor of New York”
That election happened a month ago, but man, our uncle still seems really upset about it.

❺ Safe Airplane Rides
With the government shutdown this year, we’re not too sure where the future of the air traffic controlling industry goes from here, but if you’re reading this, we hope you get paid more than stale pretzels and free headphones.

❻ Ketamine
We both know this one doesn’t need an explanation.

❼ Stone Cold Steve Austin’s Return to the WWE
This one doesn’t need an explanation either, but the bottom line is that Stone Cold Steve Austin was the best thing to happen to the WWE since Macho Man Randy Savage started a tag team with The Ultimate Warrior.

❽ Ineligibility to Run For Office For Anyone Who Wears Hearing Aids
If you wear hearing aids or have a sunken-in, grotesque flap for a chin, we’re sorry, but we don’t think you should be in politics anymore.

❾ The R2-D2 Robot That We Saw in Skymall Magazine When We Were 6
We still remember seeing this life-size R2-D2 robot on a flight back from Fort Worth after our great aunt’s funeral. We’re far from happy as adults, but we think this one might just be the thing to fix our mental health.

❿ Reboot of Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man starring Michael Cera and Elijah Wood
Lastly, and we don’t think we’re asking too much here, we’d just love a reboot of our favorite movie starring our favorite actors.