I have been talking to this girl on the apps, and I want to invite her over to my place, but it’s kind of gross. What advice do you have that will help me impress her? 

Well, the fact that you have even thought about cleaning up your apartment for a girl already puts you in front of 95% of single men in Denver right off the bat. The average male apartment falls into one of 3 categories: 1) Dab rigs, Rick & Morty posters, and some old Christmas lights;  2) The barren jail cell, aka it looks exactly like when you moved in, plus one bed and a TV; 3) Adult-gamer setup, aka rainbow RGB hellscape. The good news is that regardless of what decor nightmare you subscribe to, the remedy is always the same. You want to focus on the areas and surfaces this poor woman will be interacting with and ignore the rest.

First, make sure you have 3 to 4 clean glasses ready to go. This is Colorado. She is going to want a glass of water, and nothing screams “are we dating the same guy” than not having a single clean glass in your kitchen. Second, let’s focus on the bathroom. Stock up on flushable Scrubbing Bubbles wipes and keep them under the sink in your bathroom. Even in a pinch, you can give the sink and toilet a quick wipe down and then flush the evidence, and you will look like you naturally keep a clean bathroom.

The final and most important tip is hand soap. I personally judge people by the hand soap they have in their bathrooms. If you have some generic orange crap from the dollar store with some fish on the label, you are a trash person who doesn’t deserve the soft touch of a woman. At the bare minimum, you want something seasonal from Mrs. Meyers or Whole Foods that has at least two words in the title. For instance, right now, I’m rocking Lakeside Leaves. The more words in the title, the better. If it has one word like “original” or “antibacterial,” literally get fucked you deserve nothing. The type of soap you have in your bathroom is a reflection of your entire personality and might be the most important thing in your house. The only thing that separates your shitty apartment from a gas station is the soap in your bathroom and a code on the door lock, so don’t cheap out. Also, having a fragrant hand soap provides more insight into the person you are dating because if they come out of the bathroom and their hands don’t smell like “Iowa Pine.” that means she doesn’t wash her hands, and it’s time to get back on the apps.   

My boyfriend is an up and coming dubstep DJ. What should I get him for Christmas? 

First off, let’s call up and coming DJs in Denver what they are: Budtenders. And whether you’re Christian or just plain old not-Jewish, Christmas is a great opportunity to help his dreams of being a dubstep DJ through good old-fashioned consumerism. Here are a couple of items that I think any budtender would appreciate: 

New headphones! While this may seem like a gift for him, it’s actually a gift for you! It’s the gift of not having to hear him cycle through snare drum samples for hours before inevitably picking the worst one. That way, he can keep that indecisiveness to himself! 

Therapy! If you are dating a wannabe DJ in Denver, it’s a safe bet they are “damaged goods.” Why not push things in the right direction with a pre-paid appointment with a therapist? A therapist can help talk them off the ledge for the next time Rekordbox comes out with another apocalyptic firmware update. Not one of those weird online ones though, I’m convinced they are just AI chatbots. I’m not naming names, but I’ll just say there are *ahem* “Better” options. 

A Puppy! Let’s face it, many people entering the Denver EDM space are really just looking for attention, and nothing will give this borderline narcissist more attention and worship their existence more than a puppy! Also, this gives them a great excuse when people ask them why they aren’t touring: because you can’t be leaving a brand new puppy home alone.