It's National Vodka Day today. Thank the LORDS. But not everyone has the same passionate love for vodka that we do, so we thought we'd put together this handy list that'll tell you exactly what it's like to drink vodka in case you've never imbibed in the drink of the gods. Why the fuck not.
Picture this. You are presented with the once in a lifetime opportunity to drink vodka, either because you are…
a) 13 years of age
b) an extremely legit person with exquisite taste
c) or, some reason, you're out of beer, whiskey, wine, and every other alcoholic beverage known to man. Vodka is your only hope at intoxication.
No matter what your situation, you're going to need this handy guide to vodka intoxication, because vodka intoxication is a tricky path, dear friend, but that's why we're going to help you navigate it. Here's a little taste of what might happen to you after ingesting a bit of Russian water.
9:00pm: Large scale taste bud genocide and activation of gag reflex as you force the beast down your gullet. Foreshadowing for the rest of the evening, perhaps?
9:10pm: Indescribable urge to go home. What did you just do to yourself?
9:15pm: Oh wait, nevermind. This is pleasant. A warm, tingly sensation courses through your body. You get a nice feeling in your genitals. Ahhh, relaxing.
10:00pm: OMG, this is the funnest night ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You literally cannot tolerate the amount of fun you're having.
11:30pm: All-out fuckery that you were apparently there for, but won't hear about until your friends tell you what happened over brunch the next day
12:15am: Fist fight city. Vodka, or lack of vodka flowing into your mouth makes you SO MAD, and did someone just call you a pussy oh, you're dead bitch c'mere I'm gonna beat your ass let's take this outside ouch ouch ouch black eye
1:00am: Pee Quest 2013. Have you realized you haven't peed in like, seven hours? At this point, nothing in this cold, cruel world matters more than emptying your bladder all over this garbage pile in the alley where a hobo is sleeping
1:59am: I NEED TO GO HOME RIGHT NOW, and you're coming home with me, last person to leave the bar
2:30am: The best drunk sex of your life, which you think was like this…
…but was actually like this
2:40am: A fitful, feverish sleep plagued by anxieties personified as the people you care about most
7:00am: The worst hangover you have ever had in your whole goddamn life. Welcome to hell, bitch. Vow to never drink vodka again and keep your promise for a month or so until the cycle repeats itself
Moral of the story? Vodka is god's gift to your mouth, and your mouth's gift to fun. The end.
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