It's summer, so that means it's time for us to tell you how to have the most fun you possibly can without ordering a party bus full of strippers. That's why we made you this 2014 Summer in Colorado guide; it's got all Colorado's most entertaining summer activities for your ass, and no, hot-boxing a kayak at Boulder Creek "totally" isn't on there.

It's summer, so that means it's time for us to tell you how to have the most fun you possibly can without ordering a party bus full of strippers. That's why we made you this 2014 Summer in Colorado guide; it's got all Colorado's most entertaining summer activities for your ass, and no, hot-boxing a kayak at Boulder Creek "totally" isn't on there.

1. Creeking at Boulder Creek

Assuming the creek hasn't reached the raging flow of a whitewater rapid rafting course just yet, it's safe to go in. But, if you're a true Coloradan, you can't just "go in" like some sort of ignorant tourist. No; you'll enter Boulder's most beloved body of water via one of three ways. 1) The rope swing at the swimming hole, 2) by tube, 40 oz. beer in-hand, or 3) by jet-ski, traveling upriver like an extreme salmon looking for mates. When you're done splashing around, day-drink and sunburn by the shore.

2. Go to a show at Red Rocks

Summer in Colorado without Red Rocks might as well be winter. Before the summer's over, spend your entire paycheck on a ticket to a show there; the sights, sounds, and teenagers falling down 1,203 stairs is worth it. Still to come this summer: Zed's Dead, Umphrey's McGee, Global Dance Festival, Nine Inch Nails, Chromeo, Wiz Khalifa, Jack White, Atmosphere, and more. And, in case you hate music, Red Rocks also has movies that play once a month, morning yoga classes and comedy shows. The only excuse to not go is that you're in jail.

3. Boulder Outdoor Cinema

Stop sitting inside and watching movies alone like a serial killer and start sitting outside and watching movies like a Coloradan. The BOC always plays the best movies, whether they're cult classics or current blockbusters, and you can picnic and drink as much as your little heart desires. Just remember to bring a chair or a blanket if you don't love sitting on asphalt.

4. Lakeside Amusement Park

The imminent threat of death has never been more fun as it is speeding along on a 100-year-old rollercoaster that feels like it was made of toothpicks, or teetering on an ancient Ferris wheel that would kill you if it only had the chance.

Ah, Lakeside, Colorado's sketchiest amusement park. It's as much of a cultural wasteland as it is home to the ricketiest rides, being all awash with snotty toddlers who aren't tall enough to ride this ride and meth-heads who thought it would be nice to paddle boat today. Never is it more full of dubious funnel cake and teen runaways as it is during the summer, and the whole thing makes for a very stimulating experience to write home about.

5. Do the sex … outdoors

Colorado in the summertime is the best place in the country to have sex outside. Its arid climate and perfect evening temperatures mean there's barely any mosquitos aroud to suck blood out of your nuts, and it's warm enough to disrobe in comfort. The grass is soft, the flowers smell sweet, there's ample flora to hide your copulating bodies. We suggest doing the deed at in the Chautauqua foothills, or at one of the state's many well-manicured parks. Everyone's doing it.

6. Roman candle battle

You'll have to go up to Wyoming to buy the Roman candles, but once you're fully stocked, bring them back down to whatever enclave of Colorado you call home, gather 10 of your closest friends, and shoot them at each other. You'll be surprised at how similar the experience seems to being holed up in a WWII trench, but the adrenaline and temporary hearing loss will make you forget about that real fast. The beautiful weather will accent the rapidly growing cloud of smoke and sparks, and even if you start a small fire, the experience will be singed into your brain just like that roman candle blast into your arm.

7. Get drunk on a rooftop patio

You know how they say altitude makes you drunker? Well then why not take the opportunity to get higher than mile high by climbing up three-ish stories to a rooftop patio? The altitude difference between the patio and the ground might be neglible, but the experience of drinking and gallivanting with a 360 degree view won't be.The Boulder Rio, Vinyl, Lodo's Bar and Grill, Los Chigones, and the West End Tavern all have rooftop patio's that'll melt your face off.

8. Bonfire parties

By now, you can probably tell that we really like to set things on fire during the summer (See: #6). But we're not the only ones. During the summer, many of our fellow Coloradans like to incinerate a pile of dry logs and dance around it with beers. It's stupid fun, and you can totally stick marshmellows in it, and it makes you smell like smoke, and you shouldn't jump over it. The best part? You can disguise any awkward lulls in conversation by staring deep into the fire and "receiving messages from your spirit guide." Fire burns awkwardness just as well as it does your eyebrows off if you try to light your joint with it.

9. Sleep until 3 p.m. because you can

The rest of this bucket list is all like "I want you to do something with your summer! Why can't you be more like your sister?" but this part of the list is telling you to quit it will all the moving and take advantage of the best part of summer: sleeping in. Yeah, we know, you have a "real" job and "have to be there at 9 a.m." but that doesn't mean that your grandma can't "miraculously die" so you can take the day off and sleep until 3 p.m. When you wake up, fully-rested, it'll almost be time to go to the Red Rocks Show or back to sleep, and that's the sexiest thing we've ever written.

10. The Renaissance Festival

There is nothing weirder in Colorado than the Renaissance Festival. Running on weekends from June to August in Larkspur, it's the only place where you can dress up like a dragon and beat people with turkey legs like it was 1408. There's elephant rides, singing prostitutes, actual blacksmiths making swords you can fight with, castles, and tons of failed Hollywood actors playing the part of "Bubonic Plague Guy #12." It's the closest you'll ever get to time travel, if that time machine was stick in the Middle Ages, so stop reading this and go tar-and-feather a midget there.

11. Camping here, there, and everywhere

Colorado is the best state ever to camp in. You can camp by rivers, hot springs, and lakes, in mountains, on the plains, where it's hot, and where it's cool. We love camping at Radium Hot Springs or Brainard Lake, but you'll find an awesome spot pretty much anywhere you drive into the mountains. Reminder: don't pet the rapid bats. And, check out our glamping guide in case you're a wealthy elitist who things camping is pedestrian.

12. Cruiser rides

What's more summery than trying to stay upright on your fixed gear whilst being swarmed by hundreds of Colorado's finest, drunkest cyclists? Fuckin' nothing that's what. This summer, do yourself a favor and go on a cruiser ride. There's a huge one in Denver on Wednesdays, and one in Boulder on Thursdays. Plus, you get to dress up like a fool, and the exercise will burn off all the beer calories. Gotta maintain that summer bod.

13. Sell your oregano to a high school kid

With all this legal weed stuff going down, you're getting stoned but the high school kids that hang out on Pearl and the 16th street mall during the summer are getting shafted. Take this opportunity to exploit useless goods for profit and sell them your oregano.

14. Independence Pass

Independence Pass is the biggest, baddest, tallest road in the country. During the winter, it's entirely made of ice and certain death, but during the summer, it's one of the most thrilling car rides you'll ever take. The road winds down a huge mountain to the very bottom of a valley, then goes straight up another mountain. Whatever you're picturing in your mind right now, it's at least 5-10 times bigger and more breathtaking. Plus it's on the way to Aspen, which puts on awesome concerts, festivals, and other summer events.

15. A Taste of Colorado

You know what Colorado looks like. You know what Colorado smells like. Hell, you even know what Colorado sounds like (whomp whomp whomp). But the Taste of Colorado festival in Denver is the only true way to know what it tastes like. From August 29-September 1st, Colorado's best restaurants and chefs will convene in Civic Center Park and feed you so full of amazing Colorado food, that you'll swear off eating in any other state (again, you've got a summer body to uphold). Oh, and of course there's wine, beer, and entertainment, we're so glad you asked. You have to go to this, because we all know the only option in the winter is ordering delivery from Jimmy John's, and that's terrifying.