Absolute Shocker: Denver Ranked Among Five Least Affordable Metros in U.S.

Absolute Shocker: Denver Ranked Among Five Least Affordable Metros in U.S.

This town ain’t big enough for the poor of us.

CultureApril 29, 2022 By Marshall Dunham

In what can only be classified as breaking news, a recent study revealed exactly what you knew all along-- even though you went to college and quit your avocado toast addiction, you still can’t afford to live in Denver.

According to a report from the Texas-based nerds at OJO Labs, Denver ranked fifth when it came down to the least affordable metro areas in the U.S., with the other four least affordable metros being Los Angeles, San Diego, San Francisco and Miami.

It’s unclear just how places like Miami and Los Angeles beat Denver in terms of price, but our experts are guessing its entirely due to the aforementioned cities having recreational cocaine.

We know what you’re thinking. “If I can’t afford to live in Denver, maybe I’ll slink off to another part of Colorado. Denver can’t be the only metro area in the mile high state, right?

To which we say, “Not so fast, partner.” That’s right: Colorado Springs and Pueblo also made the top 10 in terms of least affordable metro areas.

So unless you’re willing to dig deep, work hard, pull yourself up by the bootstraps in pursuit of the American dream and commit various forms of fraud, your chances of making it any Colorado metro area are slim.

So, which metro areas can folks like us afford to live in? Maybe we can’t afford Denver, but surely we could afford some kind of metro where mountain air isn’t too hard to find and the weed is still top-notch, right?

Unfortunately, the most affordable metro was found to be Green Bay, Wisconsin, followed by such gems resembling Adam and Eve’s very own Garden of Eden. You know these places. We’re talking about the cream of the crop here. Places like Buffalo, New York, Cleveland, Ohio, Detroit Michigan, and who could forget Hartford, Connecticut?

As capitalism continues to go too far yet again, we wonder what will become of the common man in metro areas like Denver. Will we be pushed out, exiled east of the Mississippi River in search of affordable housing? Will we stay and fight back, forcing our local realtors and politicians into stocks and chains in front of the state capitol?

Perhaps, most likely of all, we will continue to slave away for $15 an hour as we watch things degrade from the window of our luxurious Denver bedroom, otherwise known as the backseat of a Toyota Corolla parked in the far recesses of a Walmart parking lot.