If you’ve ever read our magazine before, you know that we’re into two really niche things: research chemicals we can still buy at gas stations or head shops, and the goings-on at the Colorado Gators Reptile Park. See, last year their most famous alligator up and went to the old proverbial gator farm in the sky, and we, pretty upset about it, ended up dumping a whole bunch of sushi and malt liquor on the ground in his honor. You probably know the alligator from films such as Happy Gilmore and Dr. Doolittle 2, but we knew him as Morris, and, much like the rest of the cold-blooded reptilian-like people that inhabit this city, we also knew him as “friend.”
Now, Morris is back, taxidermied (that’s a word, we promise… go Google it) in all of his scaly glory, and you too can go whisper sweet nothings into his ear about how nobody will understand you like stuffed alligators do. Based on dental records and the amount of teeth he lost, it’s believed Morris was around 80 years old at the time of his demise, and whether you’re a surviving dinosaur from the Cretaceous period or an American struggling to navigate our perverse health care system, there’s no doubt about it: 80 years is a long time.
We can’t even feel sorry about it either, as when we’re faced with whether we’d like to be buried or cremated once we pass on, we can’t help but feel like we’d be much happier being stuffed and sewed into a nice mount to be put on display at a Colorado gator farm. We said it during our memoriam for Morris last year and we’ll say it again… we don’t believe in firm goodbyes when our friends move on to the next life, so we’ll just have to say something along the lines of “See you later, alligator.”
