Trump Official States That a Greenland Takeover Could Help Bring Back What Americans Miss Most–Bottomless Shrimp at Red Lobster.

Tom Dans (NEVER trust a man with two first names) is Trump’s appointee as head honcho for the United States Arctic Research Commission, and he recently told the New Yorker about his foolproof plan to Make America Great Again and provide the glue that could repair every crack that seems to have formed in this country over the last fifteen or so years, which started after Harambe died, if any of you are keeping track.

“My view is that the United States could take all the seafood Greenland could produce, and cut out the middle man, and keep it from China, and you could bring back all-you-can-eat shrimp at Red Lobster,” Dans said.

A far-fetched plan? Sure, but we don’t see you coming up with any ideas.

The only thing is, and any educated culinary aficionado such as ourselves would know this, Red Lobster brought back bottomless shrimp in April of this year, much to the chagrin of our girlfriend’s shellfish allergy. Now sure, they bumped up the price from $20 to $24.99, but that’s only because any basic economist could see that offering your average blue-collar American bottomless shrimp at a $20 price point would bankrupt your restaurant chain faster than you can say “Cheddar Bay Biscuits.”

However, the moral of this story isn’t that the United States needs Greenland so much as this is raw, unadulterated proof that this nation is healing. Frankly, it’s all we can think about as the missus carries us into our house from our driveway with our eyes slightly glazed over and our belly full to the brim with a mix of butter sauce and an unnerving amount of that good, good shrimp.