Colorado EDM DJ Shank Aaron, tackles life advice, delivering insights beyond his
button-pushing expertise.

Any predictions for what life will be like in 2026?

It’s funny you should ask, because recently I have been pondering the Orb, and I have glimpsed at the future and all it holds. I bring forth the following predictions.

EDM Predictions:
2026 will be the rise of the underground. A rebellion will start to form against the mainstream festivals and give way to a number of small capacity, underground, illegal festivals. No porta-potties, no merch tents, just vibes. Larger artists who refuse to take pay cuts will be sitting at home alone waiting for $20k offers that never come, while masked local riddim DJs will be booked six nights a week and paid in silver chain necklaces and oversized black t-shirts. Kids in the scene will become less concerned with how many Instagram followers they have and more interested in things like outdoor survival skills, first aid, knot tying, etc.

Colorado Predictions:
The construction boom has left Denver full of empty luxury apartment buildings that no one can afford, and the downtown area is left empty except for a few homeless encampments and a single luxury building containing the Denver Nuggets. Most Gen Z’s are laid off from their tech jobs and forced to flee to the suburbs in search of work, but they find that the only businesses that are still hiring in the suburbs are Texas Roadhouse franchises. As Texas Roadhouses become overwhelmed with a sudden surge in labor and a lack of competition, they stop paying their employees and instead provide them with adjacent housing and protection. In 2026, there will be roaming gangs of “car take-over dudes” in Infinity G35s patrolling I-25 for Gasoline and White Gummy Bear flavored vapes. The Texas Roadhouse franchises will construct massive walls around their restaurants to protect their employees and patrons from these gangs, but also rival Texas Roadhouses that they will be at constant war with over land and resources. Life inside the walls is harsh, full of rats and disease and marathon 14-hour shifts manufacturing rolls and churning cinnamon butter, where the general manager is allowed to bang your wife on your wedding night. But no one stands up to the GM because his power is absolute, and while life is bleak under the Texas Roadhouse banner, it’s still better than life outside the walls.

What are some good New Year’s resolutions going into 2026?

Look, everyone wants to get in shape and go to the gym, but it’s not going to happen. You will end up wasting your money, and they make those gym memberships impossible to cancel. With this in mind, I have devised a plan to keep you on track to your fitness goals, and it won’t cost you a penny. Make a goal to only use the farthest bathroom from your living room for the whole year. If you live in a two-story home, designate the upstairs bathroom as the only one you will use. If you need extra discipline, take all the toilet paper out of the other bathrooms to make sure you stick to your fitness plan. Next, decide on a simple exercise you can do outside of the bathroom. Tosh invented the Piss-ups a while back, but I prefer to leave a 20-lb weight next to mine to do arm curls with. If you are trying to get that Crankdat-level midriff by spring, you could do crunches—it’s totally up to you. But by forcing yourself to do a flight of stairs and a quick 10-rep every time you pee or poop, you will develop a solid routine that is easy to stick to, and depending on your regularity, those numbers really add up throughout the week. And if that gets too easy, a couple of Taco Bell trips a week will easily double those numbers.