Every year, I dread spending Thanksgiving with my family more and more. Are there any tips for surviving? 

One of the best hacks to bring unity to a generational cornucopia of people for Thanksgiving starts on the day before. Historically, the day before Thanksgiving is a time for transplants to come back to their hometowns and drink at local bars like some sort of alcoholic birthright pilgrimage. Take your whole family there and start drinking. Like REALLY drinking. Buy your sister a Long Island iced tea. Buy your quirky aunt and her “roommate” some espresso martinis. Buy your redneck cousin an all-American shot of Jack Daniel’s. Get them hammered. When you all show up for Thanksgiving dinner, everyone will be too sick and tired to argue about anything, and you can all eat and share in the unity of a hangover. 

How do you feel about this new “Mid-Strength Beer” trend? 

Unless they invent a mid-strength DUI charge, then what is really the point? People have been drinking mid-strength beer for almost 100 years now; it’s called Corona. I understand that alcohol is a real problem, blah blah, but with this new trend towards sobriety, I have a few personal problems. Problem 1: You aren’t actually sober; you are just a pretentious asshole. Basically, you gave up alcohol for 3 weeks and now want the entire bar and venue industry to cater to your “trend of the week” and offer a million different non alcoholic options that you won’t actually order because you’re too busy snorting ketamine in the bathroom at The Black Box. Problem 2: Sober people are way too aware of their surroundings. These people went from having a mindless, drunken fun time at a show to becoming an EDM critic overnight. They don’t go out to have a good time anymore. They go out to find things to complain about the next day online. Problem 3: Sober people are just filming EVERYTHING. With all those extra brain cells they are saving, they need something more to do at shows, so they turn into freaking Werner Herzog with an iPhone 15. Instead of having a good time with their friends, they have their phone out the entire time like, “Look, there’s Shank Aaron messing up that mix,” or “Look, there’s Shank Aaron checking his phone during a set,” or “Hey, that guy who looks a lot like Shank Aaron just shit his pants at the merch booth.” Honestly, it’s super annoying. With that being said, if you have a legitimate problem with alcohol, I support your sober journey. What I would give to be able to solve my own personal problems by not doing something and saving money. Lucky drunks.  

I was invited to my boyfriend’s parents’ house for Thanksgiving this year. How can I make the best first impression? 

Well, if you are writing in to this column, I’m going to assume you swing slightly on the wookier side of the spectrum, so let’s start with the fit. Ditch the pashmina and bucket hat, and go on Amazon to order yourself a Harvard University Sweatshirt. It’s going to set you back about $30, but that’s about $87,670 less than actually going to Harvard, so it doesn’t take a Harvard mathematician to know this is a better deal. Second, we are going to need to prep for some general banter and conversation. This dude’s parents aren’t going to be asking you about the relationship status of Alleycvt and Crankdat, so you are going to want to study up on something that will impress them. Here is a list of topics that boomer parents get worked up about: 

“New local road construction and which routes to avoid” 

“Any new restaurants in the area that opened, or any that have been around for a long time that recently closed.” You don’t have to know anything about them. Literally just list them and watch their eyes light up.

“Celebrities that have recently died, or ones that are so old you can’t believe they are still alive.” Basically, the same concept as the last one. 

“Seinfeld.” Just say that it was the best show ever, and all of the media has been on the decline since. You can also hotswap this for The Sopranos. Everyone loves The Sopranos. 

My final bit of advice is on what to bring. Most people would say a nice bottle of wine or a pie, but chances are they have 50 bottles they will never drink, and their pie making skills are going to shit all over whatever you can get from Whole Foods on the way over. So my suggestion is to bring a big pack of toilet paper. Think about it, what is the one thing no one ever thinks to bring over but gets used the most on Thanksgiving? It’s such a clever and useful gift that they might just believe you really went to Harvard!

Got a question for the Colorado Legend himself? Sent it to tom@therooster.com along with a track request for your next wedding.