My out of town friends and I are having a hard time deciding on what to eat before a Red Rocks show. What are your recommendations?

Many an epic night at Red Rocks was cut tragically short by choosing the wrong pregame meal, or even worse… skipping it altogether. With Red Rocks shows sometimes starting as early as 4 pm, figuring out your pregame food plan is the most important element that will get your squad across that finish line. Before I give you the correct answer, let’s go over some pitfalls to stay away from.

In-N-Out: You want to avoid this at all costs. While it might seem like a quick and easy meal, the controversial nature of the fans of In-N-Out is sure to bring about a fight that will last well into the direct support set. God forbid someone in your squad is from California, because a relationship or two might end over the argument. Anyway, Culver’s is better.

Sushi: This is a common mistake. Sushi sounds like a great choice; it’s light, and everyone loves it. But sushi doesn’t have the staying power to get you through the entire show. If you have sushi before doors even open, by 9 pm you will all be starving and accidentally get one of those terrible Red Rocks pizzas and then you are going to be holding your friend’s hair while they puke on a raccoon. Sushi just doesn’t have the carbs, I’m sorry. 

Anything on Larimer: Look, I get it. You are on vacation, or you have the night off, and you are trying to celebrate and live it up. But when you start roping in 8-12 wooks on one bill at any of these fancy restaurants downtown… I’m telling you, someone is missing their CRV payment. Next thing you know, you’re at the actual show, alone and destitute, pooling your remaining dollars to put a down payment on one vodka lemonade that you have to share nine ways. 

This is why, once again, Texas Roadhouse is the correct answer. Everyone loves Texas Road House, so you get no fighting, just smiles. It has the carbs and protein to see you through even the longest encore. And most importantly, it won’t break the bank—allowing you and your friends to enjoy your night at Red Rocks and maybe even have enough money left over for a Shank Aaron Pashmina. 

How is everyone getting to Lost Lands this year? The flights are SO EXPENSIVE!

You’re not wrong. Last I checked, flights from Denver to Ohio are over $800. It’s almost like Frontier is taking advantage of the situation. And as the most evil airline of all time, I wouldn’t put it past them. [Shank Vs Frontier beef will be explained in future article]

That’s why this year I devised a cheaper way to get to Lost Lands. As many of you have pointed out on Reddit, there have been a record number of pashminas going missing from Red Rocks shows this summer, and I’m happy to finally admit it’s been ME this whole time. I have personally stolen hundreds of pashminas at Red Rocks that you were feebly using to save space with, and taking them back to my secret lair. 

I have been sewing them all together into a massive patchwork zeppelin which, when filled with helium, will gently float me to Ohio come September. As long as my jetstream calculations are correct, and these Ganja White Night pashminas don’t let me down, I will be floating amongst the clouds. 

I figure even if it fails and I crash into a forest in the midwest somewhere and am attacked by bears, it’s still less painful than a Frontier flight.