Bedroom Gymnastics: October Hookup Horoscopes
This is the perfect time to “Marie Kondo” your sex-toy cupboard.
AQUARIUS: You…eccentric? Why yes, it’s true. So why not try something new by having sex everywhere except the bedroom this month? As some children’s author once said, you will like it on a train, you will like it on a plane. You might even like it in the rain. Wherever and however, you’re going to rock your own world.
PISCES: If you could have sex on the astral plane, you would, because that’s where you spend most of your time. You’re into Tantric sex, orgasmic breathing exercises, candle wax rituals, moon bathing- nothing is taboo. But even you can learn a few new things. Just open your mind.
ARIES: An unexamined sex life is not worth having, or so the experts say. But you know something they don’t…you’re the best at it. Your encounters intensify quickly this month, but you’ve got it handled. Just don’t let that sexy fire burn down your whole life. Even you need moderation sometimes.
TAURUS: You’ve got lovin’ on your mind, and now’s the perfect time to put your plan into action. Of course, for any healthy partnership, you have to have done the self-improvement work first. Lucky for you, you’re a natural. Do your homework and you’ll ace this test.
GEMINI: Autumn makes romance much cozier, and you are in the mood for a little sumthin-sumthin. This season, you’ve got potential dates practically falling out of the trees to get closer to you. Turn on that Gemini charm and dazzle them with your brilliance and they’ll overlook the bullshit you’ve been feeding them.
CANCER: There’s something that you do particularly well, and that’s flirt. So, get your get out of the house and get your flirt on. It doesn’t matter where you go, you’ll be turning heads everywhere. Your flirt quotient only increases in value.
LEO: You love sex. That’s a given. The more physical and intense the better. In fact, you might be the perfect person to update the ancient kama sutra for the 21st century! You’re inventive and tireless. Your not-so-secret talent is as a sex deity…and that’s just you being yourself. Werk it!
VIRGO: You can be fairly certain that it was a Virgo who came with the idea of ‘fuckerware’ parties. Your genius with sex toys is beyond compare. You’re also quite practical. This is the perfect time to “Marie Kondo” your toy cupboard and add some new things to replace the old.
LIBRA: There’s not much the world has to teach you about bedroom gymnastics. You’re ruled by Venus, the Goddess of Love, after all. You are sensual, understanding, and have incredible powers of attraction. Whatever will you do with it all? This month you’ll keep it fun and very, very sexy.
SCORPIO: When you go all out, you enjoy things and people that are forbidden, dangerous and scary. Fearless and bold, you are eager to push the boundaries. You will need equally adventurous partners. An Aries or Gemini will do nicely!
SAGITTARIUS: You’ve been ready to go out for recess for a long time, and this month you’re finally free to do so. Things are better outdoors. You’re one with nature, and feeling quite frisky. Seek out a Taurus to set your plan into motion. They’re always ready for a romp in the woods.
CAPRICORN: You are a master at patience and self-restraint, so you’re being asked to exercise those traits and avoid having sex this month. Yes, you read that correctly. Cold turkey. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada. Can you handle it? The cosmos says you can. In fact, you may even start a new trend: sex fasting.