Happy New Year Readers, Whatever That Means!

Happy New Year Readers, Whatever That Means!

It’s January baby, the most delusional time of the year.

CultureJanuary 05, 2023

Every other holiday tradition involves us lying to children, but this holiday is extra special because the tradition is to lie to ourselves! We Americans sure are funny. No matter how horrible the conditions are, we always love a good excuse to party! I mean we’re seemingly on the brink of WW3, the economy continues to tank, A.I. technology is slowly taking over the world, and hammered Americans around the country just before midnight start yelling..

3….2…..1 HAPPY NEW- Yeah yeah we get it.

Every gym across the nation is packed full right now with hopeful folks trying to start the year off with a bang! (Literally & figuratively). Only to be locked into a year long membership that they’ll stop using two weeks into this month. Who needs a gym membership when you can just love yourself like Lizzo? Not a bad alternative New Year's resolution if you ask me.

Everyone has that one friend who can’t shut up about how they’re getting their life back on track this time around. “New Year, New Me!” is what they’ll tell you but chances are that they said the same exact thing last year too and are going to say the same thing next year. If you’re “that one friend” and you’re reading this - good! Nice to see you ACTUALLY reading something for a change, you’re off to a good start, now keep reading.

Whether it's you, your friends, or your family, one thing is certain, humans have always been obsessed with fresh starts, re-starts, revamps, redos, do-overs, and new beginnings. Not to mention, we’re also completely fascinated with the potential “End of the World” which makes for a goofy little contradiction.

Have you ever actually met anyone on any December 31st in history that told you, “I did it, I accomplished my New Year resolution!”?  Of course you didn’t because they don’t exist! With that being said, despite the level of adversity humans are faced with they tend to always find optimism. I mean even disgraced R&B singer R. Kelly, of all people, is attempting to get his life back in the right direction by releasing a whole album from prison with a hopeful hit single titled “I Believe I Can Try!” Do I smell a R&B / stand up comedy tour in the future with R. Kelly and Bill Cosby? Nope, my bad that’s apparently just the stench of pee and expired pudding pops.

Now, by no means am I against having a New Year resolution. In fact, I strongly encourage everyone to set goals and strive to be the best versions of themselves! I really just don’t want to hear about it and if I’m being honest, no one else does either. So stop posting motivational quotes on your Instagram, start going to the gym, stop watching porn, start eating healthy, and stop telling people about your New Year resolution!


Big Brad's Realistic Resolutions

1: Drink more water! Studies show most people in the U.S are dehydrated. Studies also show that a major water shortage is inevitable... Soooo…Shower less, drink more? I’m stumped. See you on the golf course!

2: From now on when you wake up in the morning start saying the Pledge of Allegiance. It will make you feel so much younger.

3: Buy gummy vitamins. They work. Trust me!

4: Break up with him/her/them/they/non-binary/etc. Just do it because they don’t deserve you! Not they but “they." You know what I mean!

5: From now on, always fart on the first date. It exudes confidence and will expedite the process on whether or not you want to go on a second date.

6: Unfriend anyone who posts about holistic medicine or CBD.