Big Brother Bezos is watching, Amazon to bring palm-swiping technology to Red Rocks
This is all fun and games until ticket scalpers start using Samurai swords to cut off our hands in the parking lot
Just as you thought the very real, very raw dystopian nightmare that you live in couldn’t get any worse, Amazon will bring palm-swiping technology as a means to get into your Red Rocks concerts.
Did you have that one in your apocalypse bingo cards, America? That the U.S. bastion of capitalism and human suffering which was created by a Lex Luthor lookalike would employ 1984-esque technology that swipes your palms solely for the purpose of entering concerts?
No? Well, we did, and it was right next to the square that said Alexandria Oscaio-Cortez would party with what appears to be the entire population of the upper class.
The technology is called Amazon One, and it was obviously created for the purpose of enslaving the entire human race and/or making it easier to spend your money.
Originally, the technology was used to purchase items in Amazon’s stores, because it’s a well known fact that Americans aren’t the excessive, wasteful type and don’t buy enough useless shit already.
Amazon One works by using a scanner that you hold your hand over. According to Amazon One’s website, users need to only sign up once in order to use the technology at stores and venues.
This is all fun and games until ticket scalpers start using Samurai swords to cut off our hands in the parking lot in an effort to jack up ticket prices and infuriate us every time Jimmy Buffet comes to town.
It’s unclear if the technology works for both hands or just one, but if we had to guess, we’d assume that only the right hand works, as using the left feels different somehow.
Furthermore, while this technology certainly encompasses a broad audience, it doesn’t include everyone.
For instance, it’s quite possible that both pirates with hook arms as well as thieves who have been caught stealing in developing countries will have their concert-going privileges revoked.
For the record, Amazon doesn’t need access to what our fingerprints look like, and if they really did, we don’t understand why they wouldn’t just contact a various assortment of local law enforcement agencies for what they keep on file.
If we thought long enough about it, we’re sure there’s a joke somewhere in here about the world’s most expensive Amazon handjob, but we just can’t quite get our fingers on it.