Boebert’s Political Opponent Announces Candidacy With Video of Literal Shitstorm

Boebert’s Political Opponent Announces Candidacy With Video of Literal Shitstorm

“A Bull, Not a Bullshitter,” is Alex Walker’s slogan in his campaign against Lauren Boebert.

CultureMarch 25, 2022 By Marshall Dunham

It’s a strange time for political campaign advertisements right now. As American political campaigning proceeds to become the equivalent of a high school cafeteria “Yo Momma” free-for-all, some political opponents are announcing their intentions to unseat incumbents in… creative ways.

For instance, Louisiana Democrat Gary Chambers announced his intention to run for the U.S. Senate by releasing a 37-second long video of him smoking a blunt in an armchair in the middle of a field as he spouts off facts and stats on marijuana arrests.

Now, another star has emerged from the ashes of the defunct American political system, and this one aims to run against our state’s very own and beloved Lauren Boebert.

Alex Walker, a Democrat from Eagle, Colorado, announced his intentions to unseat Boebert in an ad that literally starts with a giant pile of cow shit falling out of the sky and crushing an old woman eating an ice cream sundae.

The video continues with other random citizens looking up to the sky to see tons of piles of shit falling from the sky, only for panic to ensue as everyone tries to scramble to avoid the oncoming shit storm. To put it lightly, it’s kind of gnarly, with poops falling into produce piles and even smacking men in the face.

Yet, at the same time, it’s a spot-on artistic representation of America’s current political climate.

A disgusted Walker enters stage left. “We are real Coloradoans,” he says. “We deserve a living wage, small government that actually works, and freedom of choice. Instead, we have bullshit.”

As bullshit proceeds to spray out of history books and cellphones, the commercial goes on to reveal that the bullshit is produced by Lauren Boebert in a dark office as she sprays shit with some kind of supreme, shit-spraying hose.

“Colorado needs a bull, not a bullshitter,” says Walker as he hands out towels to people covered in feces. “I’m Alex Walker and I approve the shit out of this message.”

It’s a hilarious way to introduce your intentions to run for office, but at the same time, it’s a terrible and true reminder of the current times we’re subject to. As the nation and world devolve at rates faster than we can comprehend, we’d like to remind you that reality is far more absurd than any episode of South Park you’ve ever watched.

In the far off recesses of early America, our founding fathers roll begrudgingly in their graves as we pay film production crews to create special effects where piles of shit fall from the sky in an effort to appeal to the American electorate.