Boulder Sheriff’s Office To Test Out Tesla Patrol Car, Tax Dollars Squandered

Boulder Sheriff’s Office To Test Out Tesla Patrol Car, Tax Dollars Squandered

How much is all of that savings in... say, Krispy Kreme terms?

CultureSeptember 01, 2021 By Marshall Dunham

We here at Rooster had a thought the other day.

“I sure do hope that when the inevitable Orwellian apocalypse comes out of nowhere from a foreseeable distance, and we’re forced to watch as our relatives get executed in the street by a militant police state, I just hope that the fleet of said state is both remarkably stylish as well as ecofriendly and rechargeable,” we thought to ourselves.

Our wish may be coming true a little sooner than expected, with the Boulder County Sheriff’s Office (BCSO) announcing plans to test out a Tesla as a patrol vehicle.

“We are keenly aware that many people perceive Tesla vehicles as ‘luxury vehicles,’” reads a press release from the BSCO as it trepidatiously tiptoes around trying to justify what are surely meager budget increases and the spending of your tax dollars.

The press release goes on to compare the benefits of an electric vehicle such as the Tesla to the current Ford Police Interceptor SUVs in use today, though it never actually mentions the full price of either vehicle.

“Our data shows that over the average life of a patrol vehicle (5yrs/105,000mi), the Ford Police Interceptor’s fuel and maintenance costs equate to roughly $0.187 per mile driven, while the Tesla Model Y’s operating and maintenance costs equate to roughly $0.029 per mile driven,” reads the press release. “That equates to roughly $19,635 in fuel and maintenance costs for the Ford Police Interceptor SUV compared to only $3,045 for the Tesla Model Y.”

Now if you’re like us, you’re probably thinking, “OK, sure, but how much is all that savings in… say, Krispy Kreme terms?”

With the savings in maintenance from purchasing the Model Y, the BCSO could purchase 18,098 Krispy Kreme glazed donuts, which is a dozen donuts every day for the next four years.

Don’t ask us for figures concerning assorted or specialty boxes, either. We didn’t get that far.

Images from the press release show the Model Y identifying itself as BSCO with the lightly-colored, blend in text that is often used with the modern police car.

You know the font, right? That kind of see-through wording on the side of the vehicle that you pass on the road and think, “Goddamn, are you guys actually trying to protect and serve, or are you just trying to hide off of the side of the highway in the hopes of pulling a sneaky on me and extorting me for my speed limit in an obvious attempt to pay for whoever’s genius idea it was to use a Tesla as a cop car?”

This isn’t the first time in 2021 that a law enforcement agency has tried to rollout new technology.

Earlier this year, the New York Police Department was hit with a healthy dose of “what the fuck do you think you’re doing?” when it tried to debut a mechanical dog unit based off of a Nazi robot canine from the Wolfenstein video games.