My, oh, my has the dysfunctional political theater we call “congress” been putting on a show lately. The Capitol Hill clowns have been working overtime, getting twice as little done, cluster-fucking harder and making wild, provocative demands on the floors of congress. The status quo has been destabilized by radicals and delusional misfits.

It’s great entertainment. The inmates are running the asylum, steering our ship, and driving this country into a strange and turbulent future. All we can do is hold fast and enjoy the spectacle. We bought the tickets after all — voting for all these head-cases — we might as well take the ride.

Anyway. Why am I bringing any of this up in a conspiracy column? Because, loyal reader, one of the most belligerent characters in the recent Speaker of the House brouhaha, caught my attention, and (dare I say it?) caught my eye. Colorado’s own homegrown, gun-toting, immigrant scolding, pro-lifeing, high-school drop out, Representative Lauren Opal Boebert. Mind you, not for her seductive, angry white-trash western-slope shooting-club-mom looks, either. But because Lauren Opal has been the subject of some juicy conspiracy bombshells of her own. And I realized as I watched her ranting and raving on the floor that we’d never dug into them for Rooster.

So, strap on your side pieces ladies and gents; Lauren Boebert is the Valentine sweetheart subject of the Juan Wilder Files this month.

 

Lady of the Night

There’s a certain type of red blooded Coloradan who’s always fantasized about a woman like Boebert — and every damn one of them has a vote. No doubt that helped her get into office and stay there. I mean, she certainly didn’t win because of her poignant political positions.

That’s not the issue, though. Everybody should use what they’ve got. But according to sources she once used her looks for a different career — as an escort on SugarDaddyMeet.com. The site links “generous men” with “attractive” women, and DM’s were uncovered indicating that Boebert had connected with one Texas Senator Ted Cruz. Who then went on to donate $136,250 to Boebert’s campaign in 2020 ($70,500 of which she did not declare). Other messages indicate she was also linked with Republican billionaire Bill Koch at his massive West-World style Aspen ranch.

To be clear: there’s nothing wrong with “attractive women” consensually selling their bodies to “generous men.” But it is an odd line of work for a supposedly devout Christian blowhard. And it’s also strange considering Ted Cruz’ significant and largely unclaimed “campaign contributions.”

Boebert made no effort whatsoever to legally quash these accusations, despite the site that uncovered the information challenging her to do so. Likely because discovery wouldn’t have been kind to her public image.

 

Pro-Life Abortions

Boebert is one of the most staunch anti-abortion, pro-life representatives on Capitol Hill. Or, at least, her political personality is. Off camera, and behind the scenes, it seems that she’s less resolute on the issue.

Documents uncovered by American Muckrackers show that Lauren Boebert had two abortions, herself. One in 2005 in Grand Junction, and another in Glenwood Springs in 2009.

And again: there’s nothing wrong with that. She was probably grateful to have that option. What’s strange is the fact that Lauren Boebert actively disparages abortions and opposes sex education. She wants to take that option away from other women who might need it..

If untrue, these detailed allegations would be a clear legal case of libel and slander. However, again, Boebert never pursued legal action to clear these accusations away.

 

Expend That Shit!

In 2021, after her campaign and election to congress, Boebert claimed $22,259 in mileage reimbursements on her taxes. Which would mean she drove 37,712 miles, just within Colorado, during her political campaign. That’s like driving from LA to New York City 13.5 times.

When questioned about the write-offs she quickly changed them to “hotel expenses.” And the IRS didn’t blink an eye.

 

A multi-millionaire?

If you’re tuned into the right conspiracy circles, you probably saw reports about Boebert’s wealth circulating on the web. Sources claimed that the high school dropout and restaurant owner who was $20,000 behind on her taxes in 2019, had amassed a wealth of $41 million, bought four cars, five properties, and a luxury yacht, just since her 2020 election to congress.

Try as we might, Rooster could not verify those numbers. However, we were able to verify her congressional salary: $174,000 a year. How someone that dumb was ever voted into such a high powered, high paying government job should be the real conspiracy here.

 

More politicians, more conspiracies

We dare you to google search any one of these keyword phrases and see where it takes you.

 

"Lady Graham: Lindsey’s sex nickname"

 

"Michelle Obama trans woman"

 

"Donald Trump, Jeffery Epstein, Jane Doe"

 

"Joe Biden smells kids"

 

"Anthony Fauci, gay ashes on the lawn"

 

"Bush Yellowcake lies"