Colorado Wildlife Officials Remove Tire From Elk’s Neck By Emasculating It

Colorado Wildlife Officials Remove Tire From Elk’s Neck By Emasculating It

CultureOctober 18, 2021 By Marshall Dunham

After two years of failed attempts, Colorado Parks and Wildlife Officials have finally removed a tire that was stuck around a bull elk’s neck. Unfortunately, in order to do so, officials had to saw off the animal’s antlers, which we can only guess is the elk equivalent to being neutered.

On second thought, maybe being neutered is the elk equivalent to being neutered.

According to an article from NPR, the elk had been wandering near the town of Pine for two years with a tire trapped around its neck after its antlers had grown in. 

According to the article, officials had to cut through the elk’s five-point antlers in order to remove the tire and save the animal. In many ways, it’s not too different from the way that the Christian Church had to cut off parts of our body in order to save us.

According to the article, officials had to cut off the elk’s rack due to being unable to cut through the steel bead of the tire. 

The elk was first noticed in 2019, but according to USA Today, “wildlife officials tried and failed four times to catch up to the elk as they pieced together trail camera footage and tips from community members,” in May and June of this year.

Now if you’re like us and have no idea how elk work, you’re probably thinking, “That poor guy is never getting laid again,” but according to our girlfriend who majored in tree hugging, elk regrow their antlers every year, so it’s more like he’s just practicing celibacy for a short time.

Officials estimated that the removal of the tire took 35 pounds off the Elk’s neck, which means he is going to fucking obliterate all other male elk during the next rutting season due to its intense two year-long training with an added 6% of its body weight.

Though the elk was never named, we’ve been calling him “Michelin” in the office, and we’re just hoping he has a Goodyear. 

Every year, animals such as bears, elk and deer get tangled in household items such as swing sets, hammocks and volleyball nets. If you’d like to prevent these things from happening, we recommend rejecting modern-day society and returning back to your hunter-gatherer roots.