Denver Man Arrested on Felony After Marking on Pickleball Court

Denver Man Arrested on Felony After Marking on Pickleball Court

George Orwell has entered the chat.

CultureApril 22, 2022 By Marshall Dunham

A Denver man was charged with a felony last month after city officials accused him of “making a pickleball court without permission.”

No, seriously, that’s what the actual article said. The actual crime was felony criminal mischief, though the charges were later dropped when the story broke and the general public had a unilateral “Now wait just a minute here and also what the fuck” moment.

According to Denver7, Arslan Guney, 71, was charged with felony criminal mischief after he re-marked pickleball court boundaries with a sharpie in the Central Park Recreation Center.

Now we know what you’re thinking. An arrest warrant gets issued for felony criminal mischief after some poor guy draws on the floor with a sharpie in a gesture of good faith… isn’t that punishment a little soft?

Surely stemming from a human history of hanging people on crosses and subjecting accused terrorists to Christina Aguilera soundbites in Guantanamo Bay, We the People could decide on a much more brutal and fitting punishment?

What will future generations think if the standard we set is to forgive and forget those who were simply trying their best and meant no harm?

Don’t worry, if you think more could be done in the case of Arslan Guney, he also received an email explaining that his Parks and Recreation membership had been suspended indefinitely.

If you read this far and still don’t know what pickleball is, we admire your tenacity. It’s essentially ping pong on a tennis court. It’s popular with middle schoolers and senior citizens and absolutely nobody in between.

“He is what we call the mayor of pickleball," a friend of Guney’s told Denver7. "He is an expert player himself but always takes time to slow down his game... to teach others to play with people of any ability. I have 40 letters that have been given to me that I'm submitting to the lawyer that attest to his kindness and his generosity. He has written a letter to Denver Parks and Recreation apologizing."

That’s right. As if man made horrors beyond your comprehension aren’t enough to completely strike despair into your heart regarding the future of humanity, last month Denver officials issued an arrest warrant for the Mayor of Pickleball.

Guney turned himself into jail on March 25 and later bailed out on a PR bond. Guney later found legal counsel in Hollynd Hoskins, an attorney who, yeah, you guessed it. She also plays pickleball.

The Denver District Attorney’s Office declined to file charges against Guney, explaining that parties would be attempting to resolve the matter through a city mediator.

The DA declined to mention how utterly ridiculous it is that the entire ordeal escalated to this point, but we just assume that’s because it goes without saying.