Colorado EDM DJ Shank Aaron tackles life advice, delivering insights beyond his button pushing expertise.

I have friends staying with me for some red rocks shows but now they won’t leave. How can I get them out without being rude?

I have actually dreamed of this situation for many years so I’ll share my plan. You go full haunted house on them. Start small. Take all of their belongings and arrange them in neat piles around the room they are occupying. When they ask you about it just say “oh yeah, this bish is haunted af. This actually happens all the time.” Next you want to kick it up a notch. Take some cheap laundry detergent and paint brush, and invisibly paint creepy messages on their walls. Something direct like “IT’S TIME DAKOTA”. (I’m assuming their name is Dakota) At night when they are doom scrolling on their phone or laptop, the screens will illuminate your spooky message in the most unsettling way. If that doesn’t scare them off, it’s time to pull out all the stops. Put a half of a cherry popsicle in your shower head so when they go to take a shower it starts melting and they think they are being covered in blood! Put a bluetooth speaker in a heater vent and play a 10-hour youtube loop of creepy whisper voices! Get into it! The possibilities are endless but the summer isn’t so get that guest room back! 

What are they doing with the 1st Bank Center?

I heard it’s getting demolished in September to make way for (you guessed it) more lame apartment buildings in broomfield. To me its such a huge waste of money considering it was only built like 18 years ago but it’s even a bigger waste of money to hire someone to demolish it. If it was up to me I would just throw one last rager. Dream Lineup could be something like Slayer, Slaughter to Prevail, and throw Svdden Death in for good measure, with Frank Azar “The Strong Arm” as Master of Ceremonies.  We make it free for everyone and instead of a security line we just give you some goggles, a soft pretzel, and an axe handle and tell everyone to turn this place into the world’s largest rage room. Finally we can take out all of our anger on those expensive private boxes we could never afford. I don’t know how much a professional demolition would cost but I’m sure this would be cheaper. 

What’s your favorite summertime activity?

Disassociating. 

I’m talking about that deep kind, where you forget your own name. I suggest you go walk into an empty field and just stare off until the insanity of life in our current society just melts away or until someone calls a wellness check on you. I also like tubing. 

If you were in charge of Denver what would you change?

I have been thinking a lot about how to better the city as a whole but as a mere dubstep DJ my improvements are usually isolated to nightlife issues. And that’s why I would controversially make it illegal to drive in downtown Denver after 10pm on weekends unless you are a rideshare driver. Here me out. Driving around Denver at night on the weekends is a dystopian hellscape of mad max road rage and possibly the most inebriated and uninsured ops the world has ever seen. And as a degenerate I feel like if we got rid of all cosplaying fast and the furious altima’s racing on the highway and the mindless Wooks trying to juggle their first mushroom trip and google maps directions to whatever they are calling the current Grateful Dead bar, the city would be a better place for everyone. I feel like on any given weekend there are a large number of people who are dealing with getting fired from T-Mobile by getting drunk, stealing a Hyundai and making it everyone else’s problem. So let’s just leave all the driving to the professionals huh?