Last month, the release of Grand Theft Auto VI was delayed until May of next year. Here are five things we’re going to get before we get the much anticipated GTA VI.

A Vasectomy

If our math is correct, our girlfriend’s IUD expires this year, and in an effort to maintain the image of the chivalrous gentleman that we first convinced her we were when we started dating, we should probably schedule the snip in the coming months. If you would have told 14-year-old us that we were going to get fixed before we got GTA6, we wouldn’t have believed you.

A Slow Descent into Authoritarian Fascism

Oh man, this one is really going to piss our uncle off when he reads it. Look, all we’re saying is that we hope we don’t get sent to die in a Latin American gulag before we get to virtually rob a liquor store and use that virtual cash to get a virtual alligator tattoo, but your guess is as fucking good as ours at this point.

A Sequel To Freaky Friday

Freakier Friday, a sequel to the hit 2003 Disney movie where Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis switch bodies, is expected to debut in August of this year. While this certainly is no GTA6, we’re hoping that it could maybe fill the gaping hole in our hearts, if only for a short time, while we twiddle our thumbs and wait for the day that we can virtually do a line of blow off a big booty Latina in the fictional land of Vice City.

The Return of the McRib

Last year for Christmas, all we ever wanted was for the McRib to return to nationwide McDonald’s, and our wish was granted. Like Christ emerging from the tomb three days later, the McRib is back, and largely responsible for a massive uptick in the amount of antacids we consume on a weekly basis. The next time you think time flies, just remember that the McRib has returned at least six or seven times between the release of GTA5 and GTA6, and that’s just plain fucking wild.

AI Therapy

Right now, as we speak, AI programs are learning about the traumatic birthday parties and mommy issues that young people have across the country, and you mark our words: it’s only a matter of time before these machines use this knowledge against us. So on your bingo card for the country losing its absolute mind in real time, we really hope you had “the idea of venting to a robot because it’s more affordable than connecting with an actual human before the release date of GTA6.”