FTC Investigating McDonald’s Ice Cream Machines as slow news day continues to transpire

FTC Investigating McDonald’s Ice Cream Machines as slow news day continues to transpire

“Do you have any idea who my father is? He works for the Federal Trade Commission, and your ass is grass,”

CultureSeptember 08, 2021 By Marshall Dunham

We were at the drive-thru for McDonald’s the other day when the car in front of us appeared to engage in an aggressive verbal confrontation with the employee at the window. 

The driver, who appeared to be an entitled young man of the fraternal nature, was lamenting about the establishment’s lack of ice-cream and how the machines that produce said ice cream are always down.

“Do you have any idea who my father is? He works for the Federal Trade Commission, and your ass is grass,” screamed the boy before driving away in a fit of rage.

That is a totally true story that actually happened and that you can’t disprove at all because you weren’t there.

Anyway, according to an article from the Wall Street Journal, the FTC has launched an investigation into why McDonald’s ice cream machines are always down.

It’s no secret that McDonald’s ice cream machines suck—the company has even acknowledged through a tweet that it single-handedly ruined every stoned Friday night of our entire high school and college careers.

Look, at this point in the article there should probably be a little background knowledge on McDonald’s as a fast food chain, but you know what it is, right? It’s the number one distributor of calorically dense, food-based laxatives worldwide.

In a statement to USA TODAY, McDonald’s said it had no reason to believe that it was under the focus of an FTC Investigation, once again reminding you that if you ever get accused of doing anything at all, your best course of action is always to skirt responsibility for your actions and deny, deny, deny.

This isn’t the first time McDonald’s has been under scrutiny. Actually, we’re pretty sure McDonalds has been under scrutiny since the beginning of time.

For instance, in 2004, a man ate nothing but McDonalds for 30 straight days, resulting in what is by far the shittiest sub-par documentary we were ever forced to watch in a middle school classroom. 

While the investigation continues, it’s nice to know that, while we’re all teetering at what feels like the tedious brink of societal collapse, we can all still come together on the issues that really matter, such as a drive thru fast-food chain not having the means to make a 99 cent hot fudge sundae.

Meanwhile, as Ronald McDonald continues to use faulty ice cream machines and pay his employees unlivable wages, we can only ask with quite the grimace: just who is the real Hamburglar here?