Love, it's a Motherf@#er: Hookup Horoscope's April 2021
Spring has sprung and it's time to make like rabbits...
AQUARIUS: This month you’ll declare Rice Krispies as your signature breakfast cereal because you can engage in a friendly chat with it as you eat. The bright side is that you’ll be hale, hearty, and healthy to enjoy the loss of your sanity.
PISCES: It’s time to come back to earth and tend to important things. There’s money to be made, but it depends on your ability to focus on one thing at a time, if that’s possible. You’d rather be thought of as mentally checked out, but in truth you’re seeing and hearing things nobody else can.
ARIES: You sure have been naughty lately! Not only have you ignored the advice of others in recent weeks, you’ve also been ignoring the voice inside that tries to steer you right. Do you deserve a sound spanking? Absolutely! It’s not a good time for your “I already know everything” crap, though.
TAURUS: You tend to hold grudges about things that never actually happened. You can redeem yourself through the trademark enterprise and hard work you’re known for. Keep a close eye on your career, though, because the planets are looking to foul things up no matter how much you demand that they leave you alone.
GEMINI: You’ve rediscovered your ambidextrous nature and can pick both sides of your nose at the same time. In short, you’ve stopped taking your meds. Your success is assured, however, because no one has any idea what you’re talking about, so it must be brilliant.
CANCER: You would breast-feed the world if you could. This isn’t gender-specific. The planets are smiling down upon your career goals. That’s not to say it will be easy. Life is not a fairy tale, in spite of how much you pretend it is.
LEO: You expect applause every time you enter a room. Your redeeming grace is that you feel the need to perform secret charitable and spiritual acts. You might also decide to come out of the closet…not because you’re gay, but because you don’t think anyone should get more attention than you.
VIRGO: You shine like a cubic zirconia in whatever you take on. You’re the best because you don’t have to be asked twice to do someone’s laundry. You separate everything by color and fabric content until it consists of fourteen loads of three things apiece. A bit of advice, though: you really need to get out more.
LIBRA: It’s really a shame that your interest in current events ends with the most recent video on YouTube. Should you ever turn your formidable but distracted-by-shiny-things mentality to the current atmosphere, you’d make a fantastic politician. Professionally, you should just admit that you have no idea what you’re doing and relocate to Alaska.
SCORPIO: You are the freakiest sign in the universe, but you didn’t need to prove everyone right. Your focus now is on career and family. Just note: your master plan for world domination will never work because it involves you at the helm.
SAGITTARIUS: You are a savant and circus freak at the same time. This dichotomy shouldn’t concern you all that much as both can be leveraged as creative pursuits. Monetary prospects and romance are your touchstones. Take all the frivolity and weirdness that you encounter and use it to your best advantage.
CAPRICORN: You may think you’re both charismatic and logical, but in reality, you’re an insufferable S.O.B. You’ll have the perfect opportunity to improve your weird, intellectual capabilities in the days to come. Exercise and diet will improve your health, as long as you stop eating your words and running your mouth.