Hookup Horoscopes March 2022
Inflation Isn't The Only Thing Growing This Month, If You Get Our Drift.
ARIES: Something you fantasize about is about to explode all over your face in the best way. In fact, your sex life is about to get groovy, baby! You’d better start stretching now so you’re limber and ready. This month marks a dramatic shift toward more spontaneous sex. Fan-fucking-tastic!
TAURUS: Someone just might grant you all the orgasms you could ever handle this month. What could possibly be better? Partners treat your body like a wonderland, and you want to go for Olympic gold in bed. It’s okay to be a bit more selfish with your pleasure zones.
GEMINI: Your wish for more adventurous sex is about to come true. Being the sapiosexual of the zodiac, you find brains equally as sexy as a great body. Make your hookups weird like only you can. You’ll attract the real freaky-deakies, which makes you hotter than two mice fucking in a wool sock.
CANCER: For you, sex and emotions are directly connected, so “grudge fuck” takes on a whole new meaning. Instead of being grudgemental, try a softer approach. Offer them a shoulder to put their legs on. Not only does it get their attention, it gives you another use for that naughty mouth of yours.
LEO: It’s always quality over quantity where sex is concerned. No sloppy seconds for you! You’ll have more adventurous sex this month…outdoor sex, sex with more than one person, role-playing, BDSM…the sky’s the limit. Take a note from Gemini this month if you’re looking for the real freaks.
VIRGO: Your suppressed sexual fantasies are about to come pouring forth. Your level of horniness is unsurpassed. You’re considering sex with farm animals just to get some relief. Don’t let anyone judge you in your exploits, though. You know something they don’t: you’re not as virginal as you let on.
LIBRA: There’s nothing wrong with liking to watch, you voyeur, you. You may find yourself joining in verbally to bring sexual harmony to the horny couple’s gymnastics. Pretend you’re a porn director looking for the most satisfying money shot possible. The bonus? You give the best aftercare in the zodiac.
SCORPIO: You are sex on two legs, and like to explore new methods and positions. You’re creative that way. Talk your partner through a fuck session so they know exactly how you like it. Use that dirty mind and dirtier mouth to bring them to an earth-shaking orgasm. They’ll clamor for more.
SAGITTARIUS: You are the exhibitionist of the zodiac and don’t care who knows it. Lady Godiva was probably a Sag, using her naked body as a political statement. This month, you might consider bringing “streaking” back into fashion. If that’s not a Sagittarius activity, what is?
CAPRICORN: You’re a hard worker both in bed and out. You like sex sweaty and messy while getting down and dirty. Domination is your favorite pastime, and when you’re on top and in charge, you give it your everything. Let that naughty imagination out to play.
AQUARIUS: The concept of sexual “swingers” was invented by an Aquarian for the world to enjoy. You like it kinky and with numerous partners. As long as they’re not pretentious or selfish, they have a place in your wild fantasies and sex life. Enjoy sex for sex’s sake, as only you can.
PISCES: Let your love flow in March, because you feed on romance and sex. Choose lovers who are kind and take their time, because you’re all about the slow, steamy, and sexy. As long as your partner is focused on you, there’s nothing better. Who knows, you might just meet your dopplebanger!