I recently turned 38 and got really into crocheting. What other old person things can I do that I might enjoy? 
Well, I’m here to tell you, you’ve come to the right place. Have you tried shaking your cane at hot-dogging teenagers? Specifically the ones on your lawn? It’s incredibly satisfying. Also, having dinner at 4:30pm rules super hard and you haven’t even begun to start experimenting with the world of ointments. Welcome! 

Are people in other states still wearing masks? 
In Chicago & New York, yes. In Texas and Florida, no.  I think it depends on where  your state stands on “open carry.” You can protect yourself from Covid however you see fit. Click-clack Omicron!
 
Your house is on fire. You’ve gotten everyone out safely and your money is secure. There is one safe route in and out and you can run in and grab one thing, what is it?
Probably my rare collection of matchbooks from across the globe. I’d imagine those are pretty at risk of not making it. 
 
I recently started seeing someone with an incredibly loud and obnoxious laugh(always at 11). I find it cute and humorous but there are places I probably shouldn't take her (e.g. funerals, fancy restaurants and comedy shows.)  Is this a deal breaker? 
Eek! 11 is pretty high so this one is tough. Have you tried only bringing her to unfunny events? Libraries, parties where people play “Cards against humanity”, Tyler Perry movies? Start there and save all of your fun conversations for car rides and your apartment.
 
What food combination should be banned?
The pineapple on pizza argument is as old as time but no one talks about the monstrosity that is olives on a pizza. Black, green, pimento. Ugh… scram. One time I was at a restaurant where they put sardines on a Caesar salad. Putting canned-salty-wet-fish-bits on food items doesn’t make it fancy, you maniacs.
 
What is the worst name you could give a child?
Clancy. No one wants to call a baby Clancy. If you feel like you're setting that kid up for a lifetime of studio apartments warmed by only a space heater. 
 
MIKE KNOWS BEST:
If I follow you on Instagram, just know I’m not reading the description of your photos. You can be like “can’t believe this trip to Spain was 6 years ago” and I’ll comment “have fun!” I’m just trying to be nice while I search for funny dog videos.