Cryptocurrencies are changing the world. They’ve revolutionized how people buy drugs, unlicensed firearms, illegal pornography, human traffic and other everyday goods and services. It’s paving the way to break free from currencies tied to government institutions.

Personally I won’t buy into it. I’ll remain unbanked like a normal sane person, thank you very much, with my cold hard cash and bullion stashed under my desk here in Rooster’s mailroom.

Still, the concept of blockchain money is fascinating. Mainly because there are some very big and potentially dubious mysteries still swirling around this embryonic currency. Like where the hell did it come from? What was the intention behind its inception? Where is it taking us? And is any of this even real?!

Questions. Questions, everywhere. Some we may never know the truth of. Others may someday be revealed, though we may not like the answers. A digital currency could be the gate out from under the Federal Reserve and institutions like it. Or it may be a honeypot tempting us into enslaving ourselves.

If only we knew who had created it, maybe we’d have a better idea of their intentions. We could simply ask them. Problem is, no one knows who on Earth that is.

 

Yoshi who?

Satoshi Nakamoto. If that sounds like a fake name, that’s because it is. It’s a pseudonym—like Mark Twain, Mrs. Silence Dogood, or Deepthroat—of the individual or group who created Bitcoin.

Some have suggested it’s Elon Musk. Others have claimed it’s Dorian Nakamoto (birth name Satoshi). Hal Finney is another likely suspect as is Nick Szabo, Craig Steven Wright, and Len Sassaberg. All of whom have extensive and impressive backgrounds in computer systems engineering.

But what if it wasn’t a person who created Bitcoin, but a government? Or an organization? An entity with an agenda and the means to execute it? What if crypto-currencies are an economic coup, staged to launch before an era of financial turmoil? A currency that would remain intact, as the dollar, the yuan, the ruble and euro inflate like nitrous balloons and economies tailspin into depressions borne of proxy wars, pandemics and climate change?

Then, from the ashes of that ugliness, “Satoshi Nakamoto” rises up, wealthier than any nation or individual on Earth, to claim their throne…

C’est la vie. As long as it isn’t the Koch brothers or Bill-fucking-Gates I don’t care all that much.

 

Where dat crypto at?

20% of Bitcoin tokens are missing. That’s roughly $82.7 billion (as of this writing). Naturally, some of those belong to people who lost their passwords—or died—and their crypto wealth is stranded in Blockchain limbo. But much of that 20% is missing for more mysterious reasons.

The US government has around $4.08 billion in Bitcoin it’s obtained through seizures—that we know of. But you can’t believe that the CIA, FBI, and DoD aren’t secretly stockpiling crypto of all denominations as a means of controlling the market. Why would they allow plebes like The People control a currency with so much potential?

They wouldn’t. They aren’t. They’re actively mining the shit out of it. So is Russia. So are the drug cartels and mafias of the world. And, believe it or not, so is El Salvador.

 

Crypto Beach

Welcome to El Zonte: Where the surfing is world-class, the people are laid-back, and, the prefered currency is Bitcoin. This little surfing community has become ground zero for an experiment in crypto-conversion.

As of 2021 El Salvador legally requires businesses to accept Bitcoin as legal tender. While they’re the first nation to do this, they won’t be the last: China is already developing their own digital Yuan. And undoubtedly the US is scheming up something similar.

That’s disconcerting. While crypto currencies like Bitcoin are independent from the government (and make it impossible for authorities to freeze someone’s assets), government crypto would be far less user friendly. The Powers That Be want people using digital wallets—where your ID, passport, and money are no longer physical things in your possession. That way, if they don’t like your ideals, your business, or your conspiracy column, they could simply turn off your ability to drive, travel, or pay for anything at all.

No matter how well things go in El Zonte, or El Salvador, if our government starts encouraging a shift towards digital currency—especially one of their own creation—be wary of it. Your best bet, in all honesty, is to liquidate your assets, convert it into precious metals and lock them up somewhere safe.

 

Crypto facets

Until they banned it, China was responsible for 65% of the world’s crypto mining operations.

This year, a massive solar farm in Western Colorado, was outed as a secret Chinese crypto mining operation.

In a landfill in Wales, there’s a thumb drive with 75,000 Bitcoin on it (almost $1.5 billion). A guy named James Howells threw it out in the early days of currency and it’s been lost out there ever since.

When Gerald Cotten, the creator of the Bitcoin exchange company Quadriga, allegedly died unexpectedly (in India), the keys to over $250 million worth of Bitcoin vanished with him. If we had that much Bitcoin, we’d “die unexpectedly” in a forign country too.

Satoshi Nakamoto owns 1 million Bitcoin—5% of Bitcoin tokens—roughly $20 billion (as of this writing).