It’s here again. Tis’ the season when ghosts, ghouls, and witches emerge from their storage bin graves; when families ceremoniously disembowel and disfigure gourds for seasonal decor and costume stores make most of their yearly sales. And while we’re suckers for a good ol’ fashioned ghost story, you won’t find supernatural mumbo jumbo here (for the most part). Instead,we’re celebrating this strange season by compiling the best “Scaryspiracies” to keep you up at night. Welcome to the deep end of the conspiracy pool. Shit gets weird down here. 

The Bloop

The ocean is planet Earth’s last true, unexplored frontier. What lurks in the deep? Shadows. Ancient unknowns. Loud-fucking-noises. “The Bloop” is one such case. In 1997, the U.S. NOAA recorded a noise emanating from the deep that baffled scientists. It was the loudest thing ever recorded by NOAA’s hydrophones and its spectrography looked strikingly similar to noises made by living organisms. Speculation quickly arose that we’d just recorded a massive, unknown underwater life form — Chtulu or some similar mountainous monstrosity…

Fifteen years passed before scientists had heard enough questions and decided to put a stop to the speculation. It was just ice calving, they said in 2012. Some frozen shelf in Antarctica had merely broken off and made a big splash. 

However, The Bloop has never been heard again, despite increased ice calving with climate change. Which leaves many questions about The Bloop unanswered. 

“Loosh” Harvesting Freemasons

There are a lot of weird theories about the Freemasons. But one of the strangest and perhaps, most compelling, involves them harvesting our spiritual energy, known as “Loosh.” High level Freemason priests use Loosh to obtain greater psychic and emotional power. They siphon it from us using social media, news, politics, and economic pressure to create fear and stress, draining our Loosh. Think of Monsters, Inc. and how children’s screams were used for energy. 

Sound crazy? We thought so too. But entire esoteric schools, some related to the Freemasons, have been devoted to unraveling the mystery of Loosh for centuries. We can’t speak with certainty to the efficacy of the methods — but The Powers That Be certainly use confusion, doubt, and anxiety to suppress the masses every day. So maybe there’s a nugget of tin foil truth in this schizophrenic fantasy.

Cattle Mutilations? How About Human Mutilations…

If you follow this column, you’ve heard about Colorado’s cattle mutilations before. For over 100 years, cattle ranchers in the West have been finding their heifers dead, drained of blood, cut open, the wounds cauterized, and sex organs removed. 

But cows aren’t the only things getting mutilated by whatever forces are behind this phenomenon. Horse, sheep, and in one alarming case, a human-mutilation, have also been reported over the years. In 1988, in Guaraparanga, Brazil, a male body was discovered drained of blood, with cookie-cutter holes in his body, and organs precisely removed. The police actually suggested “extraterrestrial intervention” — which is either very progressive or a convenient excuse for shoddy investigative work.

Human-Tardigrade Super-Soldiers

China has no ethical boundaries when it comes to scientific research. In recent years, they’ve been experimenting with creating super-soldiers by blending human DNA with that of one of Earth’s most unkillable creatures — the tardigrade (aka the Water Bear). These microscopic organisms live in some of our planet’s harshest environments and have survived being shot out of a gun at 2,000 miles per hour.

The idea is to create a human with similarly resistant characteristics. Picture a soldier who can survive being in 300-degree F temperatures for extended periods, or who is resistant to bullets and bombs. And who knows what other kinds of human-animal hybrids they’re experimenting with? Just imagine a Chinese army of man-bear-pigs…

 

Will Brendza, aka Juan Wilder,  is a ski bum writer who likes to smoke weed and shoot at UFO’s. If he isn’t pounding computer keys, you can find Will somewhere deep in the backcountry.