Unfortunately, most folks would say yes, it’s really that bad. A recent survey by Pew Research Center asked thousands of Americans if it’s acceptable to hump after the first night of mini golf and sexually charged debate of the Israel/Palestine conflict. They found that 70% of Americans do not approve of others putting out on day one. You may be asking, “why do so many of my compatriots have a stick up their ass?” and I shall tell you. We were all raised in the same puritanical culture built on a patriarchal foundation of dowries and saving virginity for marriage and the businessman’s secretary being obliged to jerk him off while he clicks through the mandatory training PowerPoint slides. My momma used to remind me, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?,” suggesting that I was essentially a dairy cow, and that I shouldn’t allow men to suckle from my udders with too much ease, lest they abandon me in pursuit of a cow that’s less of a filthy slut. What she really meant is that if women make it too easy to achieve access to their pussy, they’ll never find a man who’s willing to commit to them. 

I, however, believe you should waste as little time as possible on dating before bumping uglies. If you’re ever gonna commit to a relationship with this person, you need to know if you have sexual chemistry. You need to know if he’s the kind of guy who will go down on you or be the kind-hearted soul who holds your hair back when you vomit from his overly-aggressive face-fucking. I suggest you ignore the finger-wagging of those crusty old fuddy-duddies, call up that beefcake you met on FarmersOnly, and tell him it’s time to plow that ass.

How to make sure you don’t have sex on the first date

Stapling your vagina shut

Telling your date you’re lactose intolerant and then ordering the mozzarella sticks

Ripping a gnarly fart and not apologizing for it

Taking the Viagra too soon and failing to hide your raging hard-on in the Cracker Barrel gift shop

Dropping their disrespectful cat down a wishing well

The ol’ dick in the popcorn trick

Asking your date to wear a horse mask because you're not ready for real beastiality yet

Realizing not only is your fly down, but your dick is hanging out