See, lawyers have a sense of humor too …

We may not see or hear about it everyday, but there's a lot of weird shit going on out there at all possible times. It's a crazy world. 

Like this batshit whirlwind of a story about the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints that's been going on for what seems like seventeen lifetimes — it continues to raise eyebrows and elicit shoulder shrugs from the depths of our wildest understanding of humans.

Its leader, Warren Jeffs, was finally caught and convicted in 2009. He is currently serving a life sentence plus 20 years for being all gross with minors.

His brother, Lyle, was later arrested on unrelated charges stemming from food stamp fraud. Not long after his initial arrest, he jumped the court-ordered ankle monitor and is now a fugitive of the law. In his alleged $12 million food-stamp conspiracy, Jeffs is believed to have ordered members to sign up for tax-funded assistance and give it all to the church. That's, obviously, a rather large no-no.

He has since filed a motion to have all charges dismissed, claiming religious persecution and First Amendment rights or whatever bullshit he's trying to pull. The judge ain't having it …

Yet, even though Jeffs has been gone and in hiding for more than a month, his lawyer still has to show up to court and explain to the judge why the defendant isn't available. She still has to do her damn job. But what do you say when a creep your defending is ducking you and there's no logical explanation for the absence? Make things up, of course.

“As this Court is well aware, Mr. Jeffs is currently not available to inform his counsel whether or not he agrees to the continuance," his public defender recently stated. "Whether his absence is based on absconding, as oft alleged by the government in their filings, or whether he was taken and secreted against his will, or whether he experienced the miracle of rapture is unknown to counsel.”

The FBI believes that he's likely in hiding with one of the many brainwashed wives or members of the church who still believe the bizarre tales coming out of his mouth. Not sure exactly why they don't just go in there and grab his ass, Chris Brown style, but who are we to say — we're just writers with friendly chips on our shoulders. 

But maybe he did get scooped up by God or some other divine being? Maybe we're the jerks who are ignorant to the powers that be and will only find salvation in taking dozens of wives and stealing from hard-working tax payers around the state? Considering other options available, it wouldn't be a half-bad career choice. 

We now leave you with a moment of silence to shake your heads right now. What a world.