Absurdist News: Selling Body Parts, $200K Parking Spot, Meth Library and...Snake Clits?

Absurdist News: Selling Body Parts, $200K Parking Spot, Meth Library and...Snake Clits?

Keeping it weird in Colorado.

CultureFebruary 03, 2023

Two funeral directors in Montrose were sentenced last month after being found guilty of selling body parts of deceased individuals through the mail. If you aren’t aware, that’s definitely illegal.

Megan Hess will serve 20 years in prison with her mother and assisting crony, Shirley Koch, receiving 15 years.

On the internet, these types of people are referred to as “body brokers,” which means that we need to change the description in our OnlyFans page, like, now.

The scheme began in 2010, with Hess and Koch harvesting hundreds of bodies and shipping them around the world for research regardless of the deceased’s family’s wishes.

For obvious reasons, a case like this isn’t very common, with only one other similar case happening in Washington State last year.


Spot in Vail Parking Garage Closes for $200K as Grim Reality Continues To Transpire

A spot in a Vail parking garage closed for $195,000 last month, quickly worsening our urge to drive our car into a frozen lake while screaming at God.

“Rarely available, this Village Inn Plaza deeded parking space in Vail Village is one of the few that is reserved,” states a listing description from Compass.com that reads like it was written by Scrooge McDuck.

The listing comes two weeks after Vail CEO Kirsten Lynch gave a Q&A to the Denver Post in which she discussed Vail Ski Resort’s short staffing problems last ski season along with a wage increase and employee housing efforts.

Personally, we don’t see what the problem is; couldn’t the ski conglomerate simply buy the parking space for its employees to live in, stacking as many employees as possible within the confines of the white lines like a line of hot dogs at a gas station?


Boulder Library Reopens After Traces of Meth Found in Air Ducts

Boulder County reopened its library in January after it closed in December due to amounts of methamphetamine being found in the air ducts.

According to an article from NPR, the main library “received increased reports of people smoking methamphetamine over a span of four weeks, and closed Dec. 20 to allow for environmental testing.”

While we completely understand the abundance of caution, we actually weren’t aware that people used libraries without some sort of pharmaceutical-grade stimulant coursing through their bloodstream.

The test yielded trace amounts of meth in the air ducts and the library seating.

Two employees were evacuated for feeling ill with presumed low-level methamphetamine exposure symptoms.

Though NPR has no mention of it, we like to imagine that the employees were also able to crush through Moby Dick by Herman Melville in a matter of hours.


In Science: Snakes Have a Clitoris (Insert Ex-Girlfriend Joke Here)

Scientists recently discovered that female snakes have a clitoris, which is just absolutely fucking bonkers given that we can’t even find the clitoris on a human woman.

“It’s quite a taboo area. Female genitalia is not an easy subject to bring up sometimes and I think people were happy saying ‘it doesn’t exist. There’s no need for snake to have one,’” lead study author Megan Folwell told CNN.

On one hand, the implications of the research mean some pretty huge things for how we view animal species, their sexual organs, and female arousal in the reproductive process.

On the other hand: Snake clit.