Of Fireworks and Finger Loss: Rooster’s Guide to the Fourth of July

Of Fireworks and Finger Loss: Rooster’s Guide to the Fourth of July

He who goes forth with a fifth on the Fourth will not come forth on the fifth.

CultureJune 07, 2022 By Marshall Dunham

Summer is in full swing, and everyone fortunate enough to be born in, immigrated or extricated to America knows what that means: In just a few days, Uncle Sam is going to slide down your chimney with a sack full of firearms, trans fats and diesel engine parts, bringing tidings of fear and good cheer to all of this nation’s youth.

It’s the Fourth of July, and for the 95.75% of the world population that isn’t from the U.S., that means it’s America’s Independence Day, which is the day that Will Smith saved us from invading aliens in 1776 by flying a plane into a harbor full of tea or something.

So whether it’s your first July 4th in this country, or you’ve blacked out every year you’ve been an American, here’s how to celebrate the Fourth of July while letting your true patriot shine through.

Get the American Flag Apparel

Title 4, Chapter 1, Section 8 of the U.S. Code states that “The flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery. It should never be festooned, drawn back, nor up, in folds, but always allowed to fall free.”

This is arguably a good rule, but as Americans, we can’t say that it’s ever stopped us before. Every summer, corporations like Walmart and Amazon put American flag pants, shirts, bandannas and swim trunks that were undoubtedly manufactured in China on sale for every American to buy.

And if you were a true patriot, you’d buy senseless flag merchandise too. If you don’t look like Evil Knievel’s motorcycle helmet procreated with the Star Spangled Banner, then you need to rethink what actually makes you an American.

Bangs before Beer

We get it, alright? Shooting guns and fireworks while incessantly chugging seven or eight Busch Lights is the exact kind of right that George Washington and Thomas Jefferson were hung on crosses trying to protect.

Yet, every year, some poor person or kid gets capped because one of you drunken morons is negligent enough to fire a gun directly into the air, or hold an M-80 just a little bit past its expiration date.

In the last 12 years, at least 10 Americans have been killed or wounded by celebratory gunfire, because, spoiler alert, those bullets that get fired off into the air don’t make it to outer space. Statistically, is that a super small amount of casualties for the amount of celebratory gunfire found in America? Maybe. Would it still suck to explain to your 4th grade friends that your drunken stepdad Cletus doesn’t understand how bullets and gravity works, and, consequently, that’s how you were put in a wheelchair? Absolutely.

Extinguisher? I Hardly Know Her!

Speaking of drinking too much, loud bangs, and giving your dogs PTSD, believe us when we say that you’re going to want a fire extinguisher on standby. “But Rooster,” you say, “I just read your guide, and now I have absolutely no intentions of finding the remnants of my hand scattered about my backyard only to put them in a bucket of ice for the ambulance ride to the hospital. You scared me straight.”

To which we say: Good! But if you’re like us, you probably have neighbors, and if you’re like us, those neighbors probably can’t read.

While you enjoy a nice night of reading our Constitution and eating Big Macs (which is what a true American should be doing on the Fourth of July anyway), your neighbors are going to start drinking jello shots at 7:30 in the morning which will no doubt lead to bottle rocket and roman candle wars by dusk.

What we’re trying to say here is that when your fence is on fire, you can thank us later.