On The Road Again: Rooster's Guide To Road Trippin'

On The Road Again: Rooster's Guide To Road Trippin'

How To Road Trip The Right Way

CultureMay 03, 2022 By Marshall Dunham

Can you feel it? As the seasons change, the days get warmer and the evenings last longer, one can’t shake the incessant nagging feeling that we should get into our cars and get the fuck out of dodge; that we should buy a full tank of gas and drive through the night with the radio blasting “Eastbound and Down” only to wake up at a beach or festival meadow or Walmart parking lot.

Here’s the Rooster guide to road tripping, and we mean the act of car-fueled vacations, not operating a motor vehicle under the influence of hallucinogens.

Destinations be Damned

We’re well aware that “It’s about the journey, not the destination,” sounds like some silly platitude jargon that an aspiring writer who smokes too much weed would throw into an article as a cheap cop out, but trust us when we say that it’s true. Believe us when we say that it doesn’t matter where you go, so long as you flee the town you live in like a felon breaking out of jail.

Lower Your Standards

“There’s a great big world out there, and the only thing keeping you from it is your fear of using public restrooms,” might be a slight overstatement, but for the most part it’s true. Casting off the metaphorical shackles of boujie AirBnB’s with fireplaces and orgy hot tubs may be difficult at first, but you’d be amazed how much money you save and how much longer you can make your trip last when you drop your standards slightly.

We’re not saying to skimp on everything and go hungry for the duration of your vacation, we’re just saying Bureau of Land Management campsites are free and a case of PBR is one helluva lot cheaper than a case of bourbon barrel-aged triple hazy listerine-infused IPAs.

There’s an App for That

Whether you’re looking for gorgeous hiking trails, the best weed in the state or a place to pull off for a quick siesta, we’re stealing the Iphone’s slogan from 2007 when we tell you that there is an app for that. Navigation, gas rebates, recreation guides and where you can legally park for some quick shuteye can all be found in various regions of the app store, and they’re all going to make your travels much easier on you. If you don’t have a smartphone, we honestly can’t proffer much advice other than that you are shit out of luck, and we hope your covered wagon can survive the angry cowpokes, mountain lions and dysentary you’re bound to encounter on the Oregon trail.

Know Which Laws You Are Actively Breaking

Seems like an easy one, right? After all, any person over the age of 14 could tell you the importance of only breaking one law at a time, right? Fortunately for the majority of the American west, most states are all on the same page regarding what’s OK and what’s not. Unfortunately, there’s still some gray areas when it comes to different states, and it’s usually concerning all of the fun stuff. For instance, Wyoming doesn’t even require you to have a permit in order to hide a loaded firearm on your person, but get caught with pot in the state by law enforcement and face up to a year in jail. Whereas Colorado has speeding fines that average around $100, Utah’s speeding fines can hit $870, and Oregon’s fines can be up to $2,000.

Make no mistake, we aren’t telling you to get a lawyer before your great journey, we’re just telling you to be aware of what you should and shouldn’t be doing according to your nearest jurisdiction’s state patrol. One last piece of advice: If you beeline it towards your destination, you aren’t road tripping but merely driving to a place. For best results, it’s important to find silly attractions every hour or two, such as firework stands or roadside casinos.