PepsiCo Announces Alcoholic Mountain Dew, Jesus Weeps
American’s lust for the simultaneous presence of uppers and downers in their bloodstreams is once again satiated.
It’s well known throughout the biblical community that the Book of Revelations in the New Testament refers to the four horsemen of the apocalypse. These four horsemen bring their wrath upon Earth following the unsealing of the first four of seven seals, with each of the horsemen representing a different facet of the apocalypse. These facets are, of course, conquest, war, famine, and alcoholic Mountain Dew.
Just when you thought your chest pain couldn’t get any worse, one horseman may be arriving earlier than others, with industry giant PepsiCo announcing a hard Mountain Dew hitting shelves in early 2022.
The concoction came about due to a partnership between PepsiCo and Boston Beer Company. Although the beverage will have an Alcohol by Volume (ABV) of 5 percent, it’s hard to believe that only one unit will be consumed at any given time.
While PepsiCo is known for manufacturing a large plethora of food and beverages, perhaps the company’s biggest achievement is producing the number one second-best cola in the country.
The announcement of “HARD MTN DEW” brings dismay to high schoolers and 40-year-old bachelors alike, as this certainly spells the end for them.
Indeed, the deplorable nature of America knows no bounds as the nation’s progress continues to be measured one flavored malt beverage innovation at a time.
Others rejoiced, as American’s lust for the simultaneous presence of uppers and downers in their bloodstreams was once again satiated. Whether it’s cocaine and heroin, sativas and indicas, or caffeine and alcohol, it’s nice to know that we as a nation can bond over our partiality for chemical combinations known for bringing on heavy stints of psychosis.
At the end of the day, the efficacy of HARD MTN DEW remains to be seen and will only be revealed after a backyard wrestling match involving two young white men who are both named Kyle. One Kyle will consume Four Loko with the other consuming HARD MTN DEW. Then, and only then, will the white trash flavored malt beverage victor be chosen.
PepsiCo’s announcement comes shortly after Coca-Cola announced an alcoholic Topo-Chico Hard Seltzer which was preceded by what we can only guess was several business moguls in suits and ties heartily laughing to themselves before loudly proclaiming “Fuck it, why not?”
What’s perhaps most striking about this new development is how waitresses across the nation may soon have to swap out their favorite catchphrase for something more fitting for the times. Something like “We don’t have Coca-Cola, is alcoholic Mountain Dew OK?”