President Joe Biden’s first annual State of the Union took place earlier this week, and in between the beer bottles and vehement insults we hurled at our TV, in between the hollow applause of a whole house old enough to have its driver license revoked and the empty promises of a man who can barely string coherent thoughts together, we had one takeaway: that decriminalized cannabis that you voted for in 2020? Get fucked. It’s not coming.
We suppose, if anything, that we’re the laughing stock here. For us to have a man on the campaign trail making incredibly attainable and common-sense promises such as decriminalized cannabis and forgiven student loan debt, and for us to actually vote for this man in the hopes that he may fulfill said promises was downright hilarious on our end.
As America’s dark timeline continues to transpire, we’re beginning to believe that the fault falls not to these geriatric wax statues making the entirety of this country’s decisions, but to people like us, for trusting a Jurassic relic and a trans-exclusionary robocop to actually do what they said they were going to do in the first place.
In a country where citizens like us flock to the ballots with the same gullibility as a child on Christmas, it’s important to us that you, the reader, understand that if voting changed anything, it would be made illegal.
But the State of the Union was more than empty promises being swept under the rug. In between the public relation cameos of children with diabetes, buzzwords like “jobs,” and our own state representative doing her best impersonation of a Howler Monkey, the speech was a classic affirmation of the complete disconnect between politicians and the rest of the nation. It was a monument to the total lack of common sense presented by our rulers when it comes to tackling complex issues.
There’s a few examples of this, but perhaps the one that raised our blood pressure the most was the mention of the opioid crisis, with Biden insisting that “there is so much we can do” when it comes to fighting the pain killer pandemic.
“Increase funding for prevention, treatment, harm reduction and recovery,” explained Biden. “Get rid of outdated rules that stop doctors from prescribing treatments, and stop the flow of illicit drug by working with state and local law enforcement to go after traffickers.”
As we hurled another Steel Reserve tall boy at our TV screen, we couldn’t help but wonder—is this really that hard? Do we know something that these aforementioned wax statues don’t? Surely during information briefings for our glorious nation’s leader, there was a brochure that pointed out there is 64-75% reduction in opioid dosage when used in combination with medical cannabis?
Surely during one of his bureaucratic bigwig briefings, the president of the United States was informed of studies linking locations with legal cannabis dispensaries to fewer opioid deaths?
This leads us to the greater conspiracy at hand here: Your president either lacks common sense, is unable to read, or, perhaps worst of all, fully understands the progress he’s withholding.
Indeed, as much as we’d like to believe that the man we voted for is simply forgetting what he promised, we’re beginning to wonder if there’s a bigger overlying issue—one where our leader actually is competent, and is wantonly stunting the development of our country by not letting us travel within our own nation’s borders with a dimebag in our trunk.