Four Decisions That Don’t Require an Additional 14 Revotes

Four Decisions That Don’t Require an Additional 14 Revotes

You know what they say: "If at first you don't succeed, do that shit another 14 times."

PoliticsJanuary 08, 2023 By Marshall Dunham

In a triumphant example of democracy at work that surely won’t have other countries laughing at us for the rest of the year, California Republican Kevin McCarthy was voted in as the Speaker of the House on Friday night, and it only took 15 different voting sessions from the U.S. House of Representatives to get it done.

Maybe it’s the fact that we haven’t spent the last few years making hundreds of thousands of dollars through inside trading, or perhaps it’s the fact that we’re not a geriatric, hearing-aid-wearing goblin in charge of running this country, but we personally don’t think it’s that hard. Here’s five decisions that don’t require an additional 14 revotes.

1. Kickball Team Captain

It’s been a long time since we had to pick teams for a kickball game. With that being said, we don’t recall it being an overly complicated process.

The two fastest runners in our grade would be the two team captains, and they would take turn picking athletic friends until there was one quirky, nerdy kid left, and then over the course of two hours he would undergo dramatic personality changes before ultimately winning the approval of his peers and the popular girl like we were in a movie. Oftentimes, he would run out of the front doors of the school before jumping in the air and freezing in place while credits scrolled up the screen to the tune of 1980’s synthesizer music mixed over an electric guitar. It was bizarre as hell.

Anyways, kickball team captains… not that hard to figure out, right?

2. Alpha Dog of the Dog Pack

Have you ever seen a group of dogs figure out who is in charge? In our experience, nine times out of 10, dogs scrap for a few seconds before deciding who’s the alpha. It’s tense and it’s ugly, but you can’t deny that it’s efficient.

We can’t help but wonder if the decision for speaker would have been easier if McCarthy and New York Representative Hakeem Jeffries had just fought tooth and nail until one of them rolled on their backs and made whimpering sounds.

Furthermore, would the voting process have been expedited if McCarthy and Matt Gaetz were allowed to circle each other while simultaneously nose deep in each other’s asses? We like to think so.

3. A New Pope

You know what else doesn’t involve 14 revotes? Selecting the new pope. While picking a new pope is arguably a complicated process, and we imagine that, at some point, blood is consumed out of a golden chalice in an underground chamber in Rome, we can’t imagine that it would take 15 different voting sessions from high-ranking Catholic officials.

Now that we think about it, we’re pretty sure a handful of Catholic higher-ups draw pickled eggs out of a jar, and whoever gets the black pickled egg has to be the next pope.

4. What Should We Eat For Dinner?

Indeed a tale as old as time, we’re not saying picking where we go for dinner is as simple as flipping a coin.

However, at the same time, all of our friends don’t hold court for four days and 12 rounds of balloting in the back of a fucking uber on a Friday night trying to figure it out.

Typically, it’s a process of elimination. You throw out some options, and someone will inevitably say “Well I had pizza last night,” and you’ll move on to Thai food and so on and so forth until a decision is reached.

It’s certainly more simple than voting 15 times, though we’ve all experienced a stalemate when a friend says no to all of our proposed restaurants but offers no alternative ideas.

Actually, now that we think about it, “We don’t know what we want, but we certainly don’t want that,” sums up both our dinner plans and our political views rather nicely.