The slow road to hell is paved by the ineptitude of mankind.

The slow road to hell is paved by the ineptitude of mankind. Our rundown of the weirdest news hitting the presses. 

“Pastor kills South African woman while trying to perform miracle”
Pastor Lethebo Rabalango of Mount Zion General Assembly convinced a woman he could place a heavy speaker on her and it would inflict no pain. It eventually suffocated her. The Lord may be powerful, but he’s no speaker-moving dirtbag roadie.

“British Airlines bans musician from bringing cello on board without visa”
Jane Bevan, 35, was stopped at check-in and told she needed a visa for a cello in which she had booked a seat for. Fortunately for the guy behind her in line, he was never questioned about that skin flute he was discreetly playing.

“Oklahoma teacher arrested for showing up drunk, pantless on first day”
Newly hired teacher, Lori Ann Hill, was discovered by a staff member while intoxicated, shoeless and pantless. She later admitted to police she drank on the way to work. Students were empathetic, having spent most summer evenings in the very same condition.

“Ontario man steals plane, dies trying to land”
An unidentified man in his 20s recently stole a plane from an airport, and while attempting to land, died in the crash. Carjacking takes risk and a handgun, whereas plane-jacking requires abject stupidity ­— and about 75 hours of actual training would be helpful too.

“Alaskan restaurant fined for calling elk meat ‘reindeer’”
The Pumphouse in Fairbanks, Alaska, was fined after an employee reported the “reindeer meat” being served was actually elk, raised in New Zealand. Wait, who the fuck feels good about ordering Rudolph medium rare in the first place?

“Pennsylvania man charged for stealing human brain to get high”
Joshua Long was arrested after his aunt discovered a brain in a display container under her porch. Long was preserving it to smoke “wet” marijuana through. Not surprisingly, toking up through a brain still happens to be much cooler than those over-hyped skull bongs everyone has displayed on their IKEA bookshelf.

“Woman starts apartment fire cooking in bathroom”
A Knoxville, TN woman melted her fiberglass bathtub while attempting to cook a rack of bbq brisket within the bathtub. Remember what mom always told you, “the only thing safe to cook in a bathtub is meth.”

“Football player traps self in museum”
Tampa Bay Buccaneer, Louis Murphy, woke up locked in Florida’s Flagler Museum after passing out from drinking too much at a teammate’s wedding being held there. Murphy will now star in Night at the Museum 4: “Who Blew Chunks on the Dinosaur Exhibit?”

“Wisconsin woman prostitutes self in chicken coop”
Sarah Bradehoft, 27, was charged after she was discovered doing sex acts for money in a modified chicken coop. This finally answers the question of why the chicken really crossed the road.

“Man beats grandfather for last piece of pizza”
Charles Trione was arrested after beating his 78-year-old grandfather with his own cane in an argument over who ate the last of the leftover pizza. If grandpa has any sense he would also replace Charles’ Coco Loco Mad Dog 20/20 he’s secretly been sipping on.

“Pakistani man dies in trunk while hiding from relatives during affair with cousin”
Married father Ahmed Baloch, 22, suffocated in a tin storage trunk while hiding from in-laws after sneaking into their house to be with his cousin, Rani. Some guys completely lose it over a tight box.

“Microsoft atones for misguided email party invite”
Microsoft apologized after sending out an email to interns inviting them to an Internapalooza calling them “bae” and offering “hella noms” and “lots of dranks.” Yet Microsoft still hasn’t apologized for Windows Vista, Explorer or Zune.