Taliban Bans Music, Footloose comes to Afghanistan

Taliban Bans Music, Footloose comes to Afghanistan

MusicSeptember 16, 2021 By Marshall Dunham

The Taliban have banned music in Afghanistan, leaving many to ask the obvious question: Have the Taliban finally witnessed the cinematic masterpiece Footloose, consequently causing them to get some kind of sick idea?

The news came after the Taliban quickly thunderfucked Afghanistan amidst the U.S. withdrawing troops after 20 years of occupation for a war that was started for reasons we’d guess are unknown to the average American.

It’s actually a damn shame that the Taliban are back in the headlines again, because everyone knows that all good Taliban jokes were already had by Family Guy in seasons one through four.

This isn’t the first time that the Taliban has tried to ban Afghanistan’s occupants from having any fun.

“The regressive position was similarly held by the Taliban when they last ruled the country from 1996 to 2001,” reads EDM.com, a well-known bastion of American journalism.

Meanwhile, Pentagon Big Cheeses are saying that a cooperation with the Taliban against Isis-K is possible, leaving you to wonder just how many terrorist cells in the Middle East and elsewhere the U.S. may have inadvertently aided and abetted in the last fifty years.

During a press conference, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Gen. Mark Milley stated “I can tell you from personal experiences that this is a ruthless group from the past, and whether or not they change remains to be seen."

Meanwhile, Taliban spokesperson Zabihullah Mujahid told The New York Times that “Music is forbidden in Islam, but we’re hoping that we can persuade people not to do such things, instead of pressuring them.”

Anyway, days after the music ban, the Taliban reportedly dragged a folk singer from his village home before mercilessly shooting him in the street.

Persuasion attempts that remain to be seen, indeed.

Meanwhile, one can only hope that the Taliban chooses to come to its senses and contemplate overturning the ban, or as the great Kenny Loggins once put it:

“Loose, Footloose

Kick off your Sunday shoes

Please, Mujahideen

Pull me offa my knees.”