Have you ever given a loved one a gift that was clearly for personal, self-centered reasons? Boy, have we got a list of gifts for you.

New Skis/Mountain Bike

Nothing says “Now you have to come skiing with me” like dropping $1,500 on a new setup for your boo thang. Does your girlfriend insist that mountain biking just isn’t for her? Maybe a $2,000 guilt trip would change her mind? Who knows?

That Panini Press You’ve Been Wanting

If we had to pick one item that epitomizes the indescribable love and feelings we have for our partner, it would obviously be that new panini press we’ve been wanting. We’re pretty sure she likes sandwiches, too, so it’s essentially a fun gift for both of us, you know?

Cigarettes

What’s that? Your partner doesn’t smoke? What a horrible folly on your end. Now you have to smoke that whole carton of Marlboro Southern Cuts to yourself while you drink beer in your shed and listen to Creed. That’s really too bad, but you’ll get something better next year.

A VHS copy of Tremors

Your partner made you watch The Notebook and Mean Girls, so this February, why don’t you get them another cinematic masterpiece you know they’ll enjoy? We recommend Kevin Bacon’s magnum opus: Tremors. It’s truly a great flick, and there are actually six sequels, which makes the next six years pretty easy for you.