The Weather Masters

Weather’s a bitch and people have been trying to control it forever — but can they?

If you want to drop a bomb on Thanksgiving dinner bring up the topic of weather manipulation. Tell your relatives you believe the government is controlling the weather. Maybe toss in that it created hurricanes aimed at Republican voters and you’re sure to get a weird conversation started, at the least. At most, you might get Uncle John to try and strangle Uncle Kelly before the pumpkin pie is served. That’s been my experience, anyway. 

Even among conspiracy theorists, weather manipulation is a controversial topic. It’s often lumped into the same uncool circles as the flat earth theory and “space is fake” folks. And truly, it’s easy to dismiss that guy on the street corner ranting and raving in lunatic prose about the weather masters cultivating climate change and unleashing extreme weather events like Frankenstein unleashing his monster. 

Are they wearing too much tin foil? Have they taken too many “red pills”?

For many, the answer is yes on both accounts. But the reason this idea gets people so flustered is because there are some kernels of truth in it. People have been trying to control the weather forever. Farmers used to shoot hail cannons into the sky when storms were forming to prevent (you guessed it) hail. Hell, Florida folks still shoot guns at approaching hurricanes so often that police have to warn them not to do so — lest their bullets get spit back at terminal velocity. 

But then you have cloud seeding operations, which genuinely can change the weather. China’s Beijing Weather Manipulation Office was responsible for keeping the 2008 Summer Olympics free of rain and is suspected of having made it snow for the 2022 Winter Games. The Saudi government has a similar program for generating rainfall and cloud coverage in the Dubai area. Even Austria uses cloud seeding to prevent hail and protect agriculture (a big step up from those old hail cannons). 

The point is, this conspiracy theory, like so many others, has a spectrum that ranges from totally obscene schizophrenic paranoia to scientifically legitimate. Weather manipulation is real. Weather manipulation is not real. Both statements are true — which is more true?

This is not a test. Throw back some red pills and follow me down the storm’s eye rabbit hole.

What mainstream meteorologists say

ABC News reported on the theory that weather manipulation was responsible for creating Hurricanes Helene and Milton. Some people believed they were surgical strikes created by the Biden administration’s secret weather fuckery department. ABC said these theories discount common sense because the US has been trying to stop hurricanes, unsuccessfully, since the ‘40s. They even mention a program called STORMFURY where our government tried seeding one hurricane inside another to make a larger one that would be “bigger in size but weaker in intensity.” It didn’t work. If scientists could control the weather, they’d do so for good, ABC argues. 

What Alex Jones’ meteorologist says

Coax that schitzo prophet off the street corner with a cup of coffee and sit him down and he’ll tell you we’re looking at this all wrong. The US has been successfully using cloud seeding since at least World War II. The Nazis even had a “Weather Warfare” program. It had mild success. And if they were successfully experimenting with this technology 85 years ago, who knows how far those programs have come. The military and our government don’t abandon promising technological leads — especially when they could enable you to play God with the weather. Our ability to create condensation, and use vibrational energy to manipulate climate is greater now than it’s ever been. What kinds of super secret programs are buried deep in the DOD and CIA that deal specifically and exclusively in weather manipulation today? Perhaps the kind that could create a hurricane like Milton…

Juan’s Word: What the hell is real??

For the record, I fully endorse the use of gunfire and other explosives to subdue extreme weather. However, I’m not sure it will accomplish the goal. Cloud seeding is an expensive and very technical science that has allowed governments to achieve what warlocks once strived for. Does it allow us to create class 5 hurricanes aimed directly at our enemies (and political opponents)? I don’t know. Maybe it’s possible — but it seems to me like a frivolous use of such awesome power. Why not just step down from Mount Olympus and strike your opponents with bolts of lightning if you can? Because, in this humble conspiracy columnist’s opinion, they can’t. 

Not yet, anyway.