Look, regret is a part of the human condition. Whether you said some really cringey stuff at work or got hit by a car drunkenly whipping a Bird scooter, we’re always going to have some stuff we wish that we’d have done differently. Here are our top three biggest regrets from our adult life.

❶ The Journalism Degree

Don’t get us wrong, OK? We love to write. We’ve been calling ourselves a “writer” ever since we accepted our place in the world as arrogant smug douche rockets who think they’re better than others just because we put words to a page. We especially love writing jokes about genitalia for a publication as fine as Rooster; we truly feel like we’ve found our niche here. But, dude, to be completely honest with you? Going to school for journalism and English in an age where nobody has the patience to finish reading a fucking sentence was about as smart as us youthfully experimenting with a variety of habit-forming substances given our family’s massive history of addiction. We mean, did you read this far in the article? No fucking way, right? If you want our advice, you don’t need college classes to write well, and we’d advise you to major in something that actually matters, like theater, or philosophy.

❷ Throwing Away a Computer with Bitcoin On It

When we were in high school and we stopped using our laptop to run bots farming lobsters on old school Runescape, we started using it to mine a very small amount of Bitcoin. Now, we didn’t have enough to go viral like that one guy who threw a fortune into a landfill, but one day, cleaning out our parent’s crawlspace, we tossed that old laptop because the display screen stopped working, and it was only after the trash truck came did we remember that we used to leave our computer on when we went to class in the hopes of one day fulfilling our lifelong dream of becoming a crypto bro. That ship sailed long ago, and sometimes lay awake in bed, wondering how much cryptocurrency was on that hard drive, and if our lives would have changed being $30 richer in Bitcoin.

❸ Not Making a Move On the Total Smokeshow at the Sundown Saloon Back in 2019

You came in smelling like lavender and cigarettes. You looked pretty witchy, but we’re pretty sure your lats were bigger than ours. We never made a move as we were wearing two different beers on our pants at the time, and we probably had an audible slur. If you read this, drop us a line. We have a whole slew of mommy issues we’re pretty sure you can fix.