You might not think it, but we often find ourselves wondering what the more productive system of running the country would be when it comes between the entirety of our U.S. government versus a three-year-old hamboned on peppermint schnapps and spiced rum. They’re not that different, when you think about it, but more often than not, our money is on the shitfaced toddler. Here’s three things a sloshed small fry could do better than our current leadership.

  1. Be Honest

Children have a habit of being brutally honest. One time, after a really bad sunburn, a child at the laundromat told us our face looked like a tomato. In hindsight, they weren’t wrong, and we honestly respected them for saying it. On top of a child’s brutal honesty, you have to factor in the lowered inhibitions that come with feeding them a pitcher of margaritas. With those two things compounded, we have zero doubts about a youngster’s ability to tell us the truth when we get down to it. Whether they hate the green beans we made for dinner, or were, we don’t know, secretly listed in the Epstein Files, we feel pretty good about the fact that they’d probably at least tell us about it.

  1. Play Fair

One moral instilled into our youth at an early age is the concept of sharing. As soon as kids are brought into the world, they’re quickly taught that nobody likes a ball hog, and that people throughout life tend to like you more when you’re willing to give a little of what you get. This is why, if you add bottomless mimosas into their blood stream, we think a tot would have no trouble splitting their spoils. Between divvying out their halloween candy, or, say, informing their classmates of money they intend to invest in key markets based upon the decisions they themselves are making in legislation that directly affect those aforementioned markets, we think a shitfaced pie-eyed child would be better at sharing their wealth and stock market strategies than key governmental figures known for insider trading (we are looking directly at you, Nancy Pelosi).

  1. Keep The Preschool Open

It’s a bold statement, but we have a lot of faith in an infant all geeked out on Kentucky bourbon to come to agreements when their decisions affect their peers. If a congregation of toddlers had to, for instance, meet in the middle on key issues in order to keep their preschool open, we honestly think they could do it.