Three World Records We’re Positive We Hold

World’s Strongest Pelvic Floor

You know what we hit in the gym yesterday? Kegels. You know what we hit the day before that? Kegels. While you were training endurance on the treadmill, we were hitting kegels. When you were curling heavy weights, we were hitting kegels. Even now, as we sit and write this listicle, we’re doing kegels. 

We may not have the biggest arms, and we definitely can’t run a mile without throwing up and wishing we had a Marlboro Red, but we guarantee you we have the strongest pelvic floor in the world.

World’s Most Disappointed Father

When we were seven, we got benched at a little league soccer game for trying to do cartwheels on the field.

When we were ten, we racked up a large bill on our family’s landline trying to call psychic hotlines and asking them what numbers we were thinking of.

Four years later our dad had to pay out Brazzers because they tracked our IP address and accused someone in our family of ALLEGEDLY pirating Lisa Ann MILF porn.

The next time you think you disappointed your dad, try to imagine our old man having a talk with us at 14. “Internet porn is free, son. What are you illegally downloading it for?”

Most Panic Attacks Had While Operating a Motor Vehicle

This one is a no-brainer. While it could be contested that we haven’t had the most panic attacks ever, we’ve definitely had the most while driving a car.

Whether we’re merging onto I-25 or we just hit our sister’s vape that she promised was “super gentle” chances are we’re hyperventilating behind the wheel.

Sure, our driving record is absolutely flawless, but that doesn’t mean we don’t shit a brick every time we have to parallel park. If you pass us in a 2014 RAV4, make sure to wave. You’ll know it’s us because of the tears streaming down our face.