True Crime Stories With Truly Dumb Criminals

True Crime Stories With Truly Dumb Criminals

The wild and the weird things that people do.

CultureDecember 06, 2022

Two women accidentally drove down a Cherry Creek Reservoir boat ramp submerging their vehicle

Littering is a big no-no in the Centennial state. If you’re going to enjoy the outdoors, the motto leave no trace definitely applies to your Prius. Unfortunately for these two wedding crashers, a wrong turn found them calling the cops for a life raft.

Two women were rescued by sheriff's deputies after they mistakenly drove down a Cherry Creek Reservoir boat ramp, sinking their car into the water. A news release from Arapahoe County Sheriff's Department said the women were headed home from a wedding reception held inside the park on a foggy night. The driver told deputies she didn't see the reservoir and drove into the water at 30 mph.

30 mph? Rad! If you’re gonna live in Colorado ya gotta respect the send. The car was later impounded by Wyatt’s Towing for parking in a splash zone.

 

Man arrested after tampering with a Pueblo voter machine

Ahhh Pueblo. The Florida of Colorado. While voter fraud and tampering are serious crimes, you have to admire this man’s commitment to the democratic process, as well as the pleasant surprise that the citizens of Pueblo are voting at all.

Richard Patton was arrested on suspicion of tampering with voting equipment by allegedly inserting a USB thumb drive into a voting machine at a polling station during the primary election. No election data was accessed, and the incident didn't cause any major disruption to voting, authorities said.

Much to Patton’s dismay, the voting machine was actually a Red Box outside of the local Maverick. Further review of the USB drive will likely reveal his stash of Lauren Boebert fan porn which he neglected to transfer to Google Drive.

 

Durango man arrested for sexual act with a horse

The old west is often romanticized in television and film as a wild frontier, explored by rugged cowboys on horseback living life on their terms. This story highlights the modern west, where flirtatious horses ride rugged men within the confines of a local fairground.

The Durango Police Department arrested Jonah Barrett-Lesko, 26, for an alleged sexual act with a horse at the La Plata County Fairgrounds. Barrett-Lesko, who has been in the Durango area since about 2019, faces charges of animal cruelty, a Class 1 misdemeanor, and possession of burglary tools, a Class 5 felony.

“While Lesko was in custody, police detectives recovered text messages where Lesko admitted his sexual interaction with
the horse…”

How the horse texted back is still under investigation. Let this be a lesson to equestrians everywhere: If you’re gonna horse around, you better bring enough carrots to keep your partner from outing you as a my little pony lover. Hopefully, they practiced safe sex and wore a saddle.

 

READER CONFESSIONS

The father, the son and the holy Rooster.

“When my grandma died, we had her mean-ass cat killed and put in the freezer. We then low-key put the cat in the casket before we closed the lid forever on that sunny November afternoon.”

 

“I dumped my ex by secretly getting him a job halfway around the world. We dated for three and a half years, and once he landed in his new town, I dumped him before he got off the plane.”

 

“A girl at a party the other night directly said to me ‘I'm really horny’ and my oblivious and drunk ass replied with ‘nice’ then continued watching "Shrek 2" that was playing on the TV.”

 

“I got into a fight with a guy in his underwear outside of a comedy show. That guy ended up being Bert Kreischer.”

 

"I had sex with my cousin. It got so intimate that we entertained getting married. At the time gay marriage was illegal... but so too was incest."

 

Have a confession you think will make Rooster blush? Email, contact@therooster.com.

Writer Korey David is a local comedian and regular at Comedy Works. His show, Interrogation: True Crime Stories is December 18 at Banded Oak Brewing in Denver.