Smoke blots out the sky. Embers and ash rain like snowfall. You can smell it in the air. You can feel it in your lungs. Something’s burning. Something’s always burning in this state anymore and we’re not talking about all you grass fed hippies chiefing up—we’re talking about the forests, the grasslands, our neighborhoods and cities. Wildfires are getting wilder in this state and far, far more frequent than they used to be. They’re breaking out in bursts, rapid fires, concentrated around specific areas (like Boulder) and as far as “sources” or “causes” go, no one’s got any. Or at least, we haven’t got many. 

So what’s really going on here? 

The story being pushed around by the mainstream media is always the same: it’s dry, it’s hot, it’s windier than normal, and climate change is ramping up with every passing second. Shit happens. Sparks fly. But is it really that simple? Or is there something more sinister at play here? Is there a mad pyrophiliac arsonist on the loose in Colorado, starting burns because it’s how they get their rocks off? Or is the government using secret directed energy weapons to start fires from the sky? Is the state covering something up?! 

Maybe. Maybe not. But probably. Right? Because something smells like smoke here. And where there’s smoke… 

EXHIBIT A: John Leonard Orr

There was once a fire investigator in the 80’s who was simply better than the rest. He would show up on the scene of the crime like a celebrity cop, he’d take a lap around the burn area, maybe two, before miraculously, inexplicably pinpointing the source and identifying the cause. It was incredible. His fellow fire investigators and firemen were awestruck. He had a knack. He had a talent—a god given gift! His name was John Leonad Orr and he was the best in the business. 

Of course, he was also starting all of the fires, too. So he had something of an advantage over his peers. Ol’ John was only caught because… Well, he’s a fucking idiot. He wrote a novel, about a fireman who started fires because the flames sexually aroused him—describing a pyrofiliac—himself—and when someone finally read his shitty book, they basically realized it was a written confssion and Johny-boy went to jail.  

But what if he hadn’t been so dumb? He might have gotten away with it. And it’s completely possible that there are other, smarter arsonists out there right now. In the 80’s and 90’s Paul Keller started more than 70 fires in the Seattle area. In the early 2000’s Thomas Sweatt started over 350 fires in and around Washington DC. 

It isn’t so farfetched to imagine someone (or someones) is behind all this. After all, Boulder had four separate fires break out in a single day this year. Not to mention the Marshall Fire, the most destructive in US history. Or Lyons, North Boulder, Gunbarrel, NCAR, and Longmont… Or in Colorado Springs, in Alturas, Skylark Mobile Home, Teller County, and Akeman all within a day. 

Correlation doesn’t imply causation, of course. But it is curious. Some might even go so far as to call it suspicious. And others might go so far as to call it outright proof that the state is covering up a massive serial-arson investigation spanning counties.

We’ll leave those judgments to you, though. 

EXHIBIT B: DEW

Directed Energy Weapons (DEWs) are exactly what they sound like: death rays that concentrate a beam of energy to a single point and incinerate whatever it might be pointed at (not so unlike a kid with a magnifying glass). Naturally the US military has developed such weapons in black-budget projects, and is actively in the process of installing them onto fighter jets to target houses or neighborhoods where their targets might be hiding.

In the wake of the 2018 California wildfires, some witnesses reported seeing blue beams of light coming from the sky and igniting the flames. They also point to the erratic nature of the burns, which spared some houses and destroyed others directly beside them. These wildfires are clearly concentrated attacks, they claim. 

Some witnesses, however, are also batshit crazy. And while it’s a possibility that the government is using DEWs to assassinate certain individuals, under the cover of massive wildfires, it also seems like a costly and unwieldy way for the government to take a person out. Whatever happened to good ol’ fashioned “suicides” like Epstein’s?

EXHIBIT C: CLIMATE CHANGE

Okay, okay, maybe it is the most logical explanation for all this. It never rains in this state anymore, it doesn’t snow enough, we’re in a decades long drought, our forests are riddled with dead trees from bark beetle infestations, the grass is dry, the ground is parched, and the ingredients for a blitzkrieg-style wildfire season are all there. The conditions are ripe. 

Even if those other theories are correct, this one is also. Colorado is a tinderbox right now, and no matter what’s behind all these fires (an arsonist, carelessly tossed joint roaches, DEWs, inactive coal mines or the Twelve Tribes in Boulder) climate change is undoubtedly enabling these fires to break out so easily and to spread so quickly. 

 

Fireside-bar 

Nearly 85% of wildland fires are started by people. Of those, 99% are started by dumbasses. 

100 firefighters are arrested for arson every year.

500,000 fires are set intentionally every year in the US, resulting on average in $2 million in property damage. 

Serial arsonists are referred to as “Firebugs.”

Insurance companies rarely compensate victims covered by fire insurance for more than 70% of the cost of their loss. More often the bastards only pick up 50% of the bill. 

20 of Colorado’s 20 largest wildfires have occurred in the last 20 years. 

In 2020, Australia was ravaged by massive brushfires—50% of them were started by arsonists. 

Only 15-20% of arson cases end in an arrest. Meaning there are a lot of “firebugs” on the loose out there.

Most arson cases are motivated by revenge, not profit (i.e. insurance claims).

Arson is the leading cause of property damage in the US.

An average of 1.2 million acres of wilderness burn in the US every single year.